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She Gave Her One Night Stand Everything Sexual But Withholds Them from Me, Her Love

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My girlfriend who has my best friend for 2 years and I decided to move into a relationship. She an introvert INFJ. We have both been in love since we both met but never acted on it. On my first visit I discovered she was lying about communication with a male friend who she had a one-night stand with last summer.

The only expectation I set was that this relationship be honest and transparent. She agreed but kept him a secret. She said she thought she’d lose him. I don’t even know why she thought she would lose him. I definitely didn’t say anything for her to lead her to think that.

Committed to make it work I stayed, and we became intimate two nights later. During sex she didn’t want me to go down on her. I said ok no problem. Then I asked if she would perform cowgirl and she didn’t want to. I asked why and she gave me no reason. Later she tells me it’s because she loves me so much and it’s super special for her to have sex with me. Also mentioned that she needs to feel safe before doing that act. It was strange because she gave her all to her one-night stand. In fact, with even a different relationship prior on the first night.

Got passed it and I visited her again two weeks later. This time during sex I asked for oral sex and she refused. I asked why and again no reason. Then she says it’s because she was afraid that she would do it wrong. I asked her where she got this idea from especially after I told her that she was amazing at it during our first sexual encounter.

She says she needs time to get comfortable because it’s different with me because I’m special. Again, she gave all of her to previous partners. However because I’m special she doesn’t want to give me those she freely have to her other encounters.

I ask her about what she likes and she says she doesn’t know?

I think she enjoys certain sexual types of sex but doesn’t tell me. She’s given them all of her but with me she withholds. Even the one who exhibited violence in bed.

I’m lost and don’t understand? Help! (From the USA)

She Gave Her One Night Stand Everything Sexual But Withholds Them from Me, Her Love

Answered by on -

A.

It is hard to know for sure, but the past one-night-stands were not about love, and the sex was a way to alienate and separate — not extend a friendship and committed love. My best guess is that the two of you are having a very different kind of connection than any of the one-night stands. Your girlfriend doesn’t want to treat you the same way she treated men whom she discarded — or discarded her.

Keep talking about what each of you need. If you are in this for the long haul the kind of sex you’ll have with each other will be meaningful and different than what came before.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

She Gave Her One Night Stand Everything Sexual But Withholds Them from Me, Her Love

Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: http://www.dare2behappy.com/. He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2019). She Gave Her One Night Stand Everything Sexual But Withholds Them from Me, Her Love. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 18, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2019/05/19/she-gave-her-one-night-stand-everything-sexual-but-withholds-them-from-me-her-love/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 17 May 2019 (Originally: 19 May 2019)
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 17 May 2019
Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.