It would seem that there’s a correlation between your life problems and your homicidal thoughts. The fact that you attempted suicide and engage in excessive self-harm suggests an overall unhappiness in life. Happy people simply do not wish to die nor do they purposefully harm themselves. Whatever is causing your distress in life, is likely the reason behind both your suicidal and homicidal inclinations.
One theory that may be relevant to your situation is that homicidal thoughts are caused (at least in part) from a feeling of powerlessness. As a teenager, you have very little power. You’re gaining it over time, but you’re still ruled by your parents. You mentioned that you specifically wished for your mother to be dead. Perhaps she is a major source of the problem.
You didn’t mention this but perhaps you are a trauma survivor. It’s not uncommon for trauma survivors to experience homicidal thoughts. Homicidal thoughts, in this way, serve as a form of psychological compensation for feelings of powerlessness that you may have felt as a victim, or specifically as a victim of your mother.
You theorized that the homicidal thoughts are serving as a “substitute” for your withdrawal from self-harm. That is a plausible explanation.
It’s good that you are in therapy. It’s important that you continue sharing this information with your therapist. Hopefully, the two of you are working together to replace your negative, maladaptive behaviors with positive, healthy behaviors. With continued persistence and adherence to treatment, these problems will likely dissipate. If you feel that you might harm yourself or others, don’t hesitate to call emergency services. Good luck with your efforts. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle