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Homicidal Thoughts & Ideations Are Becoming Intrusive & Common

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I know the site has many articles on this but I feel like it may be different somehow. I have had homicidal thoughts from a young age, I am 14 now, but just about two months ago they started to become very common and sometimes intrusive, or at least more than before. I was hospitalized for suicide attempts and excessive self-harm in March so some people think this may be the cause of it. These thoughts are not disturbing to me, rather I enjoy them. I think of things like abusing people, what it would be like to drive something through someone’s skin, watching people bleed or beg. I have also been just grabbing different things when I am alone that seem sharp and just driving them into whatever material is near me. It gives me an adrenaline rush similar to what I would experience whilst self-harming. I believe it could be due to withdrawal from self-harm so these thoughts are sort of like a substitute, but I might just be lying to myself. I have always experienced this but I thought it was something everyone had until recently so this makes me think that it might be less than what I am making it out to be for some reason. I feel as if I am lying to myself and I am only telling myself that I am homicidal just because. I do not trust others and I do not trust myself so a lot of the time I feel as if I am not mentally ill and only making it up. My therapist tells me this is not the case but I continue thinking I am only making things up. So I am conflicted as to whether these thoughts are real or not and I am just acting like it. When I was younger I used to only think about killing specific people, but it can be anyone now. Anyone that causes me the slightest bit of anger, my closest friends, my family (especially my mom, I have wanted her to die or for me to kill her since elementary), animals, teachers, or even strangers. My doctors and I believe that the situation is not urgent but it has been bothering me lately. I know that a lot of what I said is probably conflicting or something like that but I thought I would ask.

Homicidal Thoughts & Ideations Are Becoming Intrusive & Common

Answered by on -

A.

It would seem that there’s a correlation between your life problems and your homicidal thoughts. The fact that you attempted suicide and engage in excessive self-harm suggests an overall unhappiness in life. Happy people simply do not wish to die nor do they purposefully harm themselves. Whatever is causing your distress in life, is likely the reason behind both your suicidal and homicidal inclinations.

One theory that may be relevant to your situation is that homicidal thoughts are caused (at least in part) from a feeling of powerlessness. As a teenager, you have very little power. You’re gaining it over time, but you’re still ruled by your parents. You mentioned that you specifically wished for your mother to be dead. Perhaps she is a major source of the problem.

You didn’t mention this but perhaps you are a trauma survivor. It’s not uncommon for trauma survivors to experience homicidal thoughts. Homicidal thoughts, in this way, serve as a form of psychological compensation for feelings of powerlessness that you may have felt as a victim, or specifically as a victim of your mother.

You theorized that the homicidal thoughts are serving as a “substitute” for your withdrawal from self-harm. That is a plausible explanation.

It’s good that you are in therapy. It’s important that you continue sharing this information with your therapist. Hopefully, the two of you are working together to replace your negative, maladaptive behaviors with positive, healthy behaviors. With continued persistence and adherence to treatment, these problems will likely dissipate. If you feel that you might harm yourself or others, don’t hesitate to call emergency services. Good luck with your efforts. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

Homicidal Thoughts & Ideations Are Becoming Intrusive & Common

Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist and Assistant Professor of Social Work and Forensics with extensive experience in the field of mental health. She works in private practice with adults, adolescents and families. Kristina has worked in a large array of settings including community mental health, college counseling and university research centers.

APA Reference
Randle, K. (2019). Homicidal Thoughts & Ideations Are Becoming Intrusive & Common. Psych Central. Retrieved on June 24, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2019/05/19/homicidal-thoughts-common/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 15 May 2019
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 15 May 2019
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