Unfortunately, I don’t have enough information to know why this urge has developed. It’s not the norm. Often, people who have a desire to hurt others describe a feeling of powerlessness. Others are unhappy and angry at the world. The urge you have described does not seem to fit those categories. Yours is unusual and seems very specific to you.
You didn’t explicitly write this in your letter but it does not seem as though you have acted upon your urge. If you can control it and no one is in danger, then this may not be much of a problem. However, if children are at risk of being harmed, then you should seek treatment.
If this is causing distress in your life and you want to feel better, it would be wise to consult an in-person therapist. They will try to determine the cause of the problem. Even if the cause cannot be pinpointed, counseling could eliminate your problem.
Good luck and please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle