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My Out of Work Husband Lies to Me

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From the U.S.:  My husband started to work from home like a year ago, it was just a part-time job and not very consistent.It worked well at the beginning but slowly started to be an issue in our relationship. I work full-time and I guess I started to be jealous of his schedule, being able to be home, etc.
Since he had so much time, he started to play computer games again (used to play them 24/7 as a teenager) which also included joining some online forums. In July I discovered that he was talking to multiple girls online (sexually and romantically) and that he joined forums such “looking for relationship” etc. He told me he had only talked to one girl (I saw conversations with multiple women) and only because she had mental issues.
After that, he stopped talking to them online, yet still kept playing video games. He was supposed to find a new job since his PT job slowly stopped making him any money, yet he wasn’t able to (or didn’t even try) find one within the past 6-7months. He plays his computer games around 10 hours a day, goes to bed at 3-5am pretty much every day, spends money (that I’m trying to save) on his games and ignores everything around the house. Whenever I try to confront him about something he gets very upset, calls me names like “b*tch” “idiot” and just yells at me. Whenever I find out he lied to me about something it’s the same – starts to yell at me, starts to throw things, hit himself, calls me names and sometimes blames it on me. Then he always apologizes and tells me how much he loves me and that I’m his everything.
Now he is supposed to go back to school starting in two weeks, but every time I asked him to show me his log in, schedule or just something, he gets upset and his log in magically doesn’t work.I looked at his school email and saw many emails from his school counselors telling him that he was late to sign up and can only sign up for summer semester at this point. He also lied to them why he dropped out of school a year ago and said it was because of his dad’s illness (even though his dad is perfectly fine).I don’t have anyone to talk to since I moved from a different country to be with him.

My Out of Work Husband Lies to Me

Answered by on -

A.

I’m very glad you wrote. It sounds to me like your husband may be having a major issue with his self-confidence about whether he can find work or manage school. Rather than deal with it, he is avoiding the problem by playing games and shoring up his self-esteem by seeking validation from women. At this point, he may also be retreating into an adolescent addiction with the video games. His “solution” of playing the games has become another dimension of his problem.

Fighting about it isn’t helping. His behavior toward you is unacceptable. If you are his “everything”, he owes it to you as well as himself to get the help for the core problems. That means going into couple and individual therapy, instead of to the computer.

Only you can decide how long you will put up with his avoidance behavior and abuse. But I do encourage you to think about whether it is time for you to issue an ultimatum.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

My Out of Work Husband Lies to Me

Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Dr. Marie is licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specializes in couples and family therapy and parent education. Follow her on Facebook or Twitter.

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2019). My Out of Work Husband Lies to Me. Psych Central. Retrieved on May 22, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2019/05/12/my-out-of-work-husband-lies-to-me/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 10 May 2019
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 10 May 2019
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