You might be describing obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). OCD is an anxiety disorder in which people experience unwanted thoughts that they cannot control. These are called intrusive thoughts and they can be very bothersome. People with intrusive thoughts describe experiencing some of the things that you write about in your letter. I cannot provide a diagnosis over the internet which is why it’s advisable for you to consult a mental health professional in-person. They will know what might be wrong and how to fix it.
The good news is that anxiety disorders and related conditions are highly treatable. There are evidence-based treatments for anxiety disorders. Some of those treatments involve medication and specific types of therapy. If possible, consult a specialist. That will provide you with the best chance of reducing your symptoms and resuming a life without anxiety.
I’m sorry you’re experiencing such distress but with treatment that can change. I hope that my advice has helped at least in some small way. Thank you for your question. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle