Your questions are not silly. You are a victim of sexual abuse. Please don’t think that you are not. What you described is abuse. The perpetrator doesn’t have to be an adult to be a perpetrator. He forced you to do things that you didn’t want to do and used power and control to scare you into keeping quiet. That is abuse.
Feelings of shame and embarrassment are common aftereffects of childhood sexual abuse. Those feelings often prevent people from seeking help. When you think about it, there’s nothing to feel shameful or embarrassed about. You didn’t do anything wrong. This was something that was forced upon you, through no fault of your own. You had no choice. You were a child. You were a victim.
You stated that you do not want to seek help unless you are certain that the abuse is the reason why you are struggling. Why? That is an unusual way of thinking. Typically, people consult professionals to understand what’s wrong. It’s not a prerequisite that they know what is wrong before the consult.
You wouldn’t use that same logic for any other type of problem. For instance, it would be odd to think that in order to see a dentist for tooth pain, that you must be certain of the cause of the pain before the consultation. That is an irrational way of thinking and likely linked to your feelings of shame and embarrassment.
You stated that you have depression, anxiety, sexual issues and are using drugs in order to get through the day. That is not a healthy way to live. It doesn’t matter why you want help or what has led you to ask for the help. The only thing that matters is that you get help.
Shame and embarrassment seem to be clouding your judgment. They are thinking traps that put you at risk of stagnating in life. Fight past those cognitive restraints, do the right thing and consult a therapist. The sooner you begin seeking help, the sooner you can overcome them and get on with your life. These are all treatable problems but not if you continue to succumb to irrational ideas of why you are undeserving of help. Thank you for your question. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle