You state your age as 21, and this means it is time to transcend the dynamics of your family. Since you were two your parents have had this tug-of-war and you’ve gotten caught in the middle. This is the time for you to cultivate your independence and make plans to not live with either of them. Their own turmoil has eclipsed your needs, and it seems like this is an issue that is not likely to be resolved anytime soon. You don’t feel close to either of them, are afraid of being judged, have to monitor what and how you say things, and your dad won’t visit you because you live with your mom. There isn’t much of an opportunity for your emotional needs to get met at home, and your parents don’t seem to have the skills necessary to help.
My encouragement is for you to turn your attention to facilitating and cultivating your own well-being by making a plan to move out. Even if it takes you a year of planning, your independence is the essence of your emotional health right now. It is time to leave the nest as there isn’t much there for you now — or in the future.
Wishing you patience and peace,
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral