Thank you for writing. You are not at all as alone in your feelings as you think. Many, many young people struggle with connecting with others as they would like to. Many other young people ask the existential questions you are asking. As you already know, suicide isn’t an answer. But looking for some direction and help certainly is. That’s why you wrote to us here. It’s a good beginning but only a beginning.
The next step is to see a mental health counselor who can work with you up close and personal. You deserve to have someone in your life who takes your questioning seriously and who can provide you with direction and support. You don’t have to be “crazy” to talk to a counselor. Often people use therapy as a means to personal understanding and growth.
You might also find it helpful to do some reading by other people who have asked the big questions. Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl is a place to start.
I wish you well.