I work 7 days a week and I am sometimes tired. (I also suffer from adenomyosis so I feel uncomfortable at times) He waits for me to get home and expects me to go directly in the room. This is far from romantic and it is frustrating because I feel like a rag doll! Furthermore his kids are always home so there is zero privacy. He threatens to leave me because of this. He has 3 days off to rest and relax and I feel run down and would like to take off my shoes before. Am I crazy? I would love to have a normal sex life but it is hard because we do not live together and i work 70hrs a week. I am sure if we lived together it would be easier but we dont. I dont know what to do. I feel hurt when he is mean after i say no. He turns it around on me. I need advice.My Boyfriend of 6 Years Expects Sex Everyday
My Boyfriend of 6 Years Expects Sex Everyday
It is rare for both persons in a relationship to have exactly the same sex drive and sexual expectations. You mentioned that you would like to have a more “normal” sexual life. For most people, the use of the word normal simply means what they think is normal and that is usually what they would prefer. Your boyfriend probably believes that his preferred sexual life is “normal.”
You both have expectations of different “normals.” Your normal is no better than his normal, and his normal is no better than your normal. One could survey the general public to determine which one of you is correct, which normal is most accepted or popular. No matter the results of the study, your problem remains. He wants sex one way and considers that normal and desirable and you want it a different way and consider that to be normal and desirable.
Your situation is more typical than you might expect. What we are talking about is a less-than-perfect sexual compatibility. Most relationships have some degree of sexual incompatibility.
Perhaps the worst thing that we could do is to consider our sexual preferences to be “normal” and our partners to be not “normal.” Doing this is just another way of saying I’m right and you’re wrong. It is saying in essence, “you must change because you are wrong.” Ultimately, one partner may be strong enough to override the other but eventually there is likely a price to be paid by taking this approach. No one likes to be bullied. You are being bullied by your partner now and you don’t like it, not at all.
The real solution is to recognize that your desired sexuality is no better than your partner’s and his no better than yours. Neither of you should declare the desired sexuality of the other to be simply “wrong.” In addition, you must recognize that both of your positions are valid. He must recognize and respect your desired sexuality and you must recognize and respect his. And that’s the dilemma, there exists a sexual incompatibility which is common to most relationships.
How do you deal with this sexual incompatibility? An attempt should be made for him to engage in sexual behaviors that are acceptable to you and for you to engage in sexual behaviors that are acceptable to him. The result will be sex that is not exactly what he wants, occurring less often. The result for you will be engaging in sex that is not exactly what you want and which occurs more often than you would prefer. He gives up something because he loves you and you give up something because you love him.
I agree with you wholeheartedly, that the sex life you are engaging in now must be changed to make it more acceptable to you. It is not acceptable as it exists now. If he is unwilling to compromise, then most assuredly this relationship is over. He is not being unreasonable by wanting sex every day as soon as you get home from work. But he is being unreasonable in demanding that it occur that way. He might want it that way but you don’t. He must love you and value you enough to make sex more acceptable to you.
Counseling is of course an option and it might help him to understand the situation better and to understand that what he wants is not always right for someone else. If he does not love you enough to accept this, then he has just proven “he doesn’t love you enough” and you do not want to be in a relationship with someone who does not love you enough. Good luck.
Dr. Kristina Randle