I’m so glad you reached out to us. Yes, it may be that you learned at a young age not to make things “worse” for your mother by keeping your feelings to yourself. But that was a conclusion that was reached by a very little person. Little kids often don’t make wise decisions. You’ve now been living this way so long that it’s become a bad habit that is cutting you off from others and making you miserable.
I hope you can find a counselor to talk to who can help you reevaluate the decision you made when you were so young. You can learn more appropriate ways to handle your feelings. You can learn ways to interact with others that allows them to see all of you, not just the side of you that is happy.
If you can’t find a counselor, do consider joining a forum here at PsychCentral. People from all over the world give others support and advice.
Do follow up. Your relationships with others won’t be healthy and happy until you do. You deserve to be able to experience and express all of your feelings.
I wish you well.