Home » Ask the Therapist » Thinking of My Ex While in a New Relationship

Thinking of My Ex While in a New Relationship

Asked by on with 1 answer:

I am in a new relationship(5 months). Yet I keep thinking about my ex. It’s been almost 3 years since i broke up with my ex of two years he was my high school sweetheart. We broke up because when i went away to college, he became a little controlling. That caused me to subconsciously move away from him and i started to focus on other men & in the end i cheated. We had a very bad break up and even though i ended things It left me depressed where from time to time i would suddenly burst into tears. Or not shower for a week and just lay in bed. I felt he deserved to be with someone better than me. He never knew that I had cheated on him and i confessed to him just recently, about 5 months ago. I asked him if he thought we would ever get back together. And he said that he didn’t think we could rekindle the relationship, which is why I tend to leave him alone. I’ve been in other relationships after him. And We communicate from Time to time to say happy birthday etc. But I do still think about him even in my current relationship. And the thing is i do not want to. I do not know why i do. My current boyfriend treats me so well and is not in the best financial situation but it’s not about the things he ca n’t do but what he’s willing to do with what he has he does have major trust issues which are plaguing this relationship and he knows i cheated on a previous ex. But When I’m with my current boyfriend I forget about my ex. but recently when we are apart i think of him. Mostly i burst into tears because i hate what i did to my ex(by cheating) and i wish i never did. And then i think of ways to get back together with him. All while being in my current relationship.

I don’t know what to say to my current bf. Because there are times that I burst out crying in front of him and he’ll ask me if i did something (like cheat). I told my current how i feel And he thinks I’m not over my ex. But I want to be with my current bf. I want to start new.

Thinking of My Ex While in a New Relationship

Answered by on -


This has very little to do with your boyfriend and everything to do with intimacy. Getting back with your ex is filled with the same issues that caused the break-up. You want to get back with him while you’re in the current relationship. While you were with your ex you cheated rather than try to talk about the intimacy issues between the two of you.

Your ex can always be the one that got away, which keeps you less connected to the man you’re with, and thinking about your ex is the way you keep yourself from getting closer to your current boyfriend.

If you want to talk about your ex, find a good therapist for individual therapy. You will ultimately drive your current boyfriend away if you keep talking to him about your ex.

In the meantime, write a letter to your ex that you do not send in which you write honestly about why you broke up with him. When you are done throw the letter away as it is the expression that is important — not the actual letter.

Start focusing on the good aspects of your current relationship with the man you are with now. Make your current relationship an intimacy and communication priority, but talk about feelings for your ex with your therapist.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

Thinking of My Ex While in a New Relationship

Therapists live, online right now, from BetterHelp:

Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2019). Thinking of My Ex While in a New Relationship. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 23, 2020, from
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 1 Mar 2019 (Originally: 2 Mar 2019)
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 1 Mar 2019
Published on Psych All rights reserved.