Such a thoughtful and sensitive question. It is not unusual for the loss of a child to create unique dynamics in a family that makes it hard to carry on. There is a saying: “When a parent dies you lose the past. When a child dies you lose the future.” You may be feeling some of these dynamics from your mom’s grieving and your own thoughts about what it would be like to have an older brother. It is likely to be more of you thinking “What if?” rather than you having known him and he is gone.
The challenge for you now at 14 is to start learning more about who you are, what you like, and what interests you. Learning how to be you is the most important thing for you to be doing.
Wishing you patience and peace,
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral