All the “solutions” you suggest (death, drugs, alcohol) are just dumb. Sorry. But it’s true. You have a real problem that needs a real solution, not avoidance or escape. You know you have a significant problem getting along in the world. You have a creative and active mind but instead of using it to help you be successful, you are upsetting yourself and and separating yourself from others.
You know what you need. I don’t know why you haven’t done it. See a therapist! Get to the bottom of these distressing thoughts and feelings and learn new, more positive, and more helpful ways of thinking and being. Medication may be part of the treatment plan, but only a part. You need to do some serious therapeutic work. Take your letter to us with you to the first session and it will jump-start the process.
Please make that appointment. This is such a hard way to live. You deserve to have a better life.
I wish you well.