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I Feel Like I Don’t Deserve Love and It’s Impossible

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I feel I’ll never be in a relationship. I’m 23 and never have. There’s nothing wrong with me from the outside looking, in fact, I always have admirers and guys who ask me out. I’m funny, nice and quite good looking. However, I have a super hard time developing feelings for guys, and the few ones I really fall for never ever like me back, which makes me feel like a failure. I’ve been on many dates with great guys who were serious and were looking for a relationship, and in the beginning when a handsome guy gives me attention I feel thrilled about it and even fantasize about us getting together, but as soon as he actually tells me he likes me or starts showing physical affection, the world turns upside down, and no matter how attracted I was to him, I start feeling sick, and feel like I’m in a parallel universe because a good guy liking me is not supposed to happen in real life, just in my fantasies. It’s like a thousand voices in my head start screaming at me how I don’t deserve it and how life is playing me an evil trick and if I fall for it, something horribly painful will happen and I will make a fool out of myself. I don’t even know how to word or interpret these feelings, but they take over me completely and I get confused, sad and repellant towards the guy. It always ends up with me running away, not looking back. I’m always the one to break things up, no guy has ever really rejected me, and yet being rejected scares me so much my subconscious seems to drive me to “leave before I get left” as Taylor Swift puts it… So basically, when it’s clear that a guy likes me back, I lose my feelings for him and get super uncomfortable instead. When I date more “douchy” kind of guys, I feel safe, like things are the way they should, but then I also get annoyed by their behavior and keep thinking that I deserve someone better. I’m so sad, lonely and confused, and I feel like something is wrong with me and I should be ashamed that I can’t find a boyfriend. I’m also a super jealous person, I’m jealous of my friends who are in relationships, I feel like I can never have that, despite all the guys who want it with me. (From Europe)

I Feel Like I Don’t Deserve Love and It’s Impossible

Answered by on -

A.

There is a reason my website is called Dare2BeHappy.com. It takes great understanding to appreciate that tolerating the good things in life takes work. When we want something better there is often an immediate struggle to find ways to hold on to it, accept and appreciate it. Here are three things to do to help:

  1. Be vulnerable by narrating your thoughts with the good guy. Don’t dwell on it, but don’t leave the feelings rattling around in your head. Say a little bit about what is going on with you. This has the capacity to turn the man you fear into an ally.
  2. When something good occurs between the two of you acknowledge it, savor it, and keep a gratitude journal that identifies it. This will help you hold on to the good feeling.
  3. Finally, be aware that when good things are happening the risk of you sabotaging the situation is very high. Don’t let your fear ruin something that you may just need getting used to.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

I Feel Like I Don’t Deserve Love and It’s Impossible

Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: http://www.dare2behappy.com/. He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2019). I Feel Like I Don’t Deserve Love and It’s Impossible. Psych Central. Retrieved on December 8, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2019/01/30/i-feel-like-i-dont-deserve-love-and-its-impossible/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 28 Jan 2019 (Originally: 30 Jan 2019)
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 28 Jan 2019
Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.