Actually, it’s not a mess. It’s a good reflection of how you are feeling, which is kind of “messy”. A couple of things: First, your feelings as a child during your parents’ fights is very usual. Kids often blame themselves. It is thought that children do this in order to feel like they have some control of the situation. If they are at fault, they think, then all they have to do is be better kids and the parents will stop fighting. That isn’t the case, of course. But lots of kids think that way, at least for a while.
Casual thoughts of suicide are not uncommon at your stage of life. You are confronting lots of big, big questions and what feel like big, big decisions. It is especially common in kids who have been repeatedly told they have “great potential”. At some point, being young with potential runs out and the potential has to be realized. For many young people, that is frightening indeed. For them, thoughts of suicide are not really about wanting to die. But since they can’t find immediate answers or relief from the stress, they think about it as a way out of the situation.
I once knew a group of teens who would say “I want to kill myself” as casually as others talk about the weather. They didn’t want to die. They were expressing how overwhelming or difficult a situation might be, whether it was a major homework paper that was due, trouble with a boyfriend or a car that needed repair. The phrase shocked the adults around them but, for that group, it had become better than 4-letter words to express their frustrations and upsets.
Of course, a much better solution than threatening to jump off a building is to get some therapy if you can or to talk to someone older and wiser. A therapist can help you bring those problems and decisions down to a manageable size and can provide you with needed support while you work on them. If you can’t see a therapist, consider talking with a teacher, coach another adult you know to be a supportive helper for teens.
In the meantime, consider joining one of the forums here at PsychCentral. If you can’t find one you think is appropriate to your situation, form one. The forums are not run by professionals. People like you contribute advice and support for each other as they deal with a common problem.
I wish you well,