A: From the USA. It take two to have a relationship and your mother’s unforgiving, critical, and aggressive nature seems to prevent you from having a decent relationship. I’m not sure there is much value in pursuing someone who belittles your husband, disrespects you, and invites you to forget about her since she sees your efforts as horrible treatment.
I think it is time to severely limit the time you connect with her. I wouldn’t announce it, explain it, or ask permission to do it. I would unhook from her without a lot of fanfare. If you do see her for the holidays stay a very short time. I’d start making other plans rather than be insulted and disrespected.
In twelve-step programs there is a saying “detaching with love.” It means not to use anger to make a separation, but to detach with compassion from your mother’s limitations in her relationship with you. If you are the only one wanting a good relationship it can’t work.
Finally, stop trying to make your mother happy. Take care of your emotional needs first. If she genuinely becomes interested in why you are no longer coming around you can let her know it is too difficult to be around her. Not as a way of blaming her, but rather as a way of informing her of your need.
If, on the off chance she is ready to try and have a relationship. The find help tab at the top of the page can help you find a family therapist close to you.
Wishing you patience and peace,
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral