I’ve been in a relationship for 2 years and we are engaged. We just moved into a house together a year ago and are planning for a family.
Unfortunately, following a few stressful life events, I have lost interest in my partner almost wholly. I want to make one thing clear – I still love him and would do anything to make this work, but have this terrible fear it’s irreversible. When he comes on to me I am repulsed. I feel like I’m frozen, as if my body is unable to make any type of physical connection. I start to think about how gross human saliva is and how much I hate the thought of genitalia and sex. It probably doesn’t help that he isn’t much of a heavy lover to begin with.
I believe it could be because of my isolation tendencies. I am an introvert and very much about my own space. Additionally, I have some strong mental health issues I’ve been battling since my first memory of life. I’ve been labeled BPD, anxious and depressed. I have strong intimacy issues and other issues that seem to keep me from getting close to my partners. While this is the “healthiest” relationship I’ve been in, I am still finding myself sad, unimpressed, uninspired, averse to having sex, and the list goes on. Then I resent him for my unhappiness. I feel guilty because I know I’m not satisfying him either. While I’ve told him my issues, I don’t see a way out and don’t know how to work my way into a more healthier state of mind.
I want to feel the connection again but can’t seem to find it. I often wonder if all of this is simply because he isn’t the right guy for me, but I have a strong feeling that is my ego telling me lies so I can isolate and push away. I really do think it’s me.
I don’t only isolate from partners. I also isolate from friends, family, crowds, etc. I am not a people person even though people have always thought I am. I tend to want to be alone all the time.
I just want a healthy relationship and children. I want to be “normal’. Or at least just healthy.