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I Think I Am Pushing My Fiancee Away

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I’ve been in a relationship for 2 years and we are engaged. We just moved into a house together a year ago and are planning for a family.

Unfortunately, following a few stressful life events, I have lost interest in my partner almost wholly. I want to make one thing clear – I still love him and would do anything to make this work, but have this terrible fear it’s irreversible. When he comes on to me I am repulsed. I feel like I’m frozen, as if my body is unable to make any type of physical connection. I start to think about how gross human saliva is and how much I hate the thought of genitalia and sex. It probably doesn’t help that he isn’t much of a heavy lover to begin with.

I believe it could be because of my isolation tendencies. I am an introvert and very much about my own space. Additionally, I have some strong mental health issues I’ve been battling since my first memory of life. I’ve been labeled BPD, anxious and depressed. I have strong intimacy issues and other issues that seem to keep me from getting close to my partners. While this is the “healthiest” relationship I’ve been in, I am still finding myself sad, unimpressed, uninspired, averse to having sex, and the list goes on. Then I resent him for my unhappiness. I feel guilty because I know I’m not satisfying him either. While I’ve told him my issues, I don’t see a way out and don’t know how to work my way into a more healthier state of mind.

I want to feel the connection again but can’t seem to find it. I often wonder if all of this is simply because he isn’t the right guy for me, but I have a strong feeling that is my ego telling me lies so I can isolate and push away. I really do think it’s me.

I don’t only isolate from partners. I also isolate from friends, family, crowds, etc. I am not a people person even though people have always thought I am. I tend to want to be alone all the time.

I just want a healthy relationship and children. I want to be “normal’. Or at least just healthy.

I Think I Am Pushing My Fiancee Away

Answered by on -

A.

You sound very clear that the core issue resides with you and that is where I’d begin the work. My encouragement is for you to enter individual therapy to talk about the core concerns you have with your own dynamics surrounding intimacy and isolation. This can be helpful whether you decide to stay in the relationship or move on.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

I Think I Am Pushing My Fiancee Away

Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: http://www.dare2behappy.com/. He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2018). I Think I Am Pushing My Fiancee Away. Psych Central. Retrieved on September 17, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2018/12/25/i-think-i-am-pushing-my-fiancee-away/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 23 Dec 2018
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 23 Dec 2018
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