It is hard to describe how I think and feel.
I can be talking, eating, relaxing, learning or participating in just about any normal activity but in the background is the constant thought of how to kill the people around me.
How I could hurt those who hurt me. How I could bring pain to the people who annoyed me. How fun it would be to simply end them.
These are the more detailed thoughts, I think of the most painful ways I could hurt these people or how I could have the most fun doing it. When I am with people who do not annoy me it is more simple, less painful deaths.
It sounds stupid when I describe it like this.
On the other hand, when these thoughts decide to leave my brain, I am left with nothing. It is like I am spectating my life as it goes by, yes I can see, hear, smell, feel, taste but it doesn’t trigger anything. My emotions stay blank. I am not upset, nor am I happy, it is simple nothingness.
There are brief moments of fun in my life, usually when I am doing something dumb. I always liked gambling when I was younger, it was a thrill and i think that is when I enjoyed doing things the most.
When I try to discuss the above with people close to me I am usually met with looks of confusion or concern. They think I am joking or being edgy. But they are genuine. When I look up some of the above things it comes up with the usual antisocial personality disorder, but I am never sure if that fits how I feel. I am not knowledgable enough to diagnose myself. When school friends try to “diagnose” me by asking me question, I usually lie, it is only those who I spend the most time with who I tell about how I really feel, if I do not draw attention to myself I can observe people better.
I have mentioned these people who I am close with but again I feel nothing for them. I frequently add these to the list of people I want to hurt. I think it would be fun. The betrayal would add a new twist.Reoccurring Violent Thoughts
Reoccurring Violent Thoughts
I’m not certain of your exact question but you seem to be wanting an explanation for your violent thoughts and what they might mean. Of course, diagnosis over the Internet is impossible. There is a great deal of information I would need to collect about your life circumstances to determine why these thoughts are occurring.
People who have violent thoughts often do so because they are in distress. They serve a function. They could be thought of as a maladaptive coping mechanism. Some people drink, overeat, gamble, etc., when they are in distress (the latter of which you said you have done in the past), perhaps as a form of escapism.
Homicidal thoughts involve overpowering others. Fantasies of power are often in response to feeling powerless in the world. Teenagers lack power in their lives. It is often a difficult and confusing time. There could be other explanations as well.
I would encourage you to consult a therapist. As you have learned, friends are not the right people to ask for help. That is understandable because they are not trained professionals. Counseling could assist you in correcting what may be causing your distressing thoughts. I hope you will consider it. It could help you immensely.
If your thoughts become too strong or you feel that you might hurt someone, go to the hospital or call emergency services. They will prevent you from engaging in dangerous behavior. Thank you for your question. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle