I’m not certain of your exact question but you seem to be wanting an explanation for your violent thoughts and what they might mean. Of course, diagnosis over the Internet is impossible. There is a great deal of information I would need to collect about your life circumstances to determine why these thoughts are occurring.
People who have violent thoughts often do so because they are in distress. They serve a function. They could be thought of as a maladaptive coping mechanism. Some people drink, overeat, gamble, etc., when they are in distress (the latter of which you said you have done in the past), perhaps as a form of escapism.
Homicidal thoughts involve overpowering others. Fantasies of power are often in response to feeling powerless in the world. Teenagers lack power in their lives. It is often a difficult and confusing time. There could be other explanations as well.
I would encourage you to consult a therapist. As you have learned, friends are not the right people to ask for help. That is understandable because they are not trained professionals. Counseling could assist you in correcting what may be causing your distressing thoughts. I hope you will consider it. It could help you immensely.
If your thoughts become too strong or you feel that you might hurt someone, go to the hospital or call emergency services. They will prevent you from engaging in dangerous behavior. Thank you for your question. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle