I’m not in a constant state of sadness, but I have moments where I feel very sad, sometimes even suicidal. I recently asked my parents if I could get a therapist, but I only mentioned stress because I thought they would be too worried if I mentioned depression, anxiety, or suicidal thoughts. However, I did end up telling my principal two days ago that I think about harming myself about once a week, which means she told my dad that I do. He’s in another country, so he’s not addressing it directly; he has just been writing more emails to me.
I broke up with my boyfriend about 3 months ago (about a month after school started), and ever since then, I feel very awkward when talking to anyone besides the people I have known for two years. I’m always unconsciously thinking about what to say next. I know I have a lot of friends at school, but it just does not feel comfortable talking to any of them (this is my first year going to this school). Before I broke up with my boyfriend, I was just shy in talking to some people, not awkward. I am theorizing that breaking up with him has done something to my conscience, but I’m not entirely sure why.
When I talked to my principal, she told me that I strike off to her as a very confident person. It’s very strange because I have a really bad self-image, and I think I’m one of the most unconfident people in the world. I hate myself, and whenever I talk to myself, it’s very negative.
My mom makes me very angry sometimes, and it can make me suicidal. It can also make me look psychotic. I don’t exactly remember how because I think I cope with things by forgetting everything that happened.
Sometimes, I wanna cry, but I just physically can’t. I can’t cry until something just completely breaks me, usually a caring email from my dad. I only ever have nightmares. The last good or neutral one I remember is from about 5 years ago. I just dreamed today that I was kidnapped. I’ve never been abused or had any sort of trauma, so this is all very confusing.
Anyway, the main thing that made me wanna write here is that I can’t naturally have a conversation with anyone anymore. How do I fix this? How do I stop worrying about what people think? How do I start being myself again when I don’t even know what my personality is or used to be?