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Why does he call me dirty names during sex?

Asked by on with 1 answer:

I am a 56 year old female and my guy is 57. We have a relationship based on friendship with benefits. He doesn’t want any type of relationship that will result in commitment. So I have agreed to sleep with him because he is so kind and sweet to me outside the bedroom. The surprise came when we got into bed. He became a different person. He is very aggressive. He does not engage in any foreplay. Oh, and when I mentioned it, he corrected it by kissing me on the neck. Then he hopped on top of me and ask me if I am ready for him.

He is so much into himself. He thinks if I cum several times, then he has done his job.

My question: When I am on top of him, he calls me dirty names like bitch and slut. Why does he do this? Is it because I am a friend who is giving him what he wants without asking for anything in return? Or what? I did stop him when he called me those names and he only laughed. I don’t know what to do if he calls me those names again?

Why does he call me dirty names during sex?

Answered by on -

A.

Thanks for putting this question out here. I think it is an important one because it highlights the issue of what is okay, and what isn’t.

At the risk of stating the obvious men typically have less of a nuanced sexual drive than women. But the solution can actually be quite simple. If you ask any man if he would like to know what would turn the woman he is with on, the unequivical answer would be ‘yes.’

According to Psychologist Dr. Brandy Engler, author of the book, The Men On My Couch: True Stories of Sex, Love, and Psychotherapy, guys’ bedroom behavior can be very revealing of where they’re at emotionally. According to Dr. Engler on Redbook’s website, “”Many women assume that men have biological needs that just have to be satisfied and that’s what makes up their entire motivation for sex,” says Dr. Engler. “Yet men are often taught it’s more accepted to express themselves sexually rather than emotionally, and so they project all kinds of things about themselves in the bedroom without even knowing it.” For example, if your guy is feeling powerless in your relationship — maybe after losing his job and no longer being the breadwinner — he might start to act more aggressive between the sheets. If you notice a change in how forceful he is, initiate a conversation outside the bedroom to better understand whether he is feeling helpless in any aspect of his life or your relationship. “Sexually men act out, and women tend to ‘act in’ by losing libido,” says Dr. Engler. Nix that by talking things out.”

So, be clear about exactly what you want –and what you don’t want. What is as important is consistency. If he calls you those names 10 times, you need to be clear that you don’t like it 10 times, and explain that it turns you OFF, not ON. But consistency is the key. If you say no 9 times, but don’t on the 10th, your guy will think he just has to work harder to please you. (If they find out I’m telling you the secrets of the Men’s Club they will throw me out .)

Obviously, if he doesn’t get the message sooner rather than later I would sit down (when you both have your clothes on) and let him know the “benefits” part of your relationship is in jeopardy of cutbacks or elimination.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

Why does he call me dirty names during sex?

This article has been updated from the original version, which was originally published here on November 25, 2010.

Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: http://www.dare2behappy.com/. He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2019). Why does he call me dirty names during sex?. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 12, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2018/11/25/why-does-he-call-me-dirty-names-during-sex/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 20 Jun 2019
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 20 Jun 2019
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