Thanks for putting this question out here. I think it is an important one because it highlights the issue of what is okay, and what isn’t.
At the risk of stating the obvious men typically have less of a nuanced sexual drive than women. But the solution can actually be quite simple. If you ask any man if he would like to know what would turn the woman he is with on, the unequivical answer would be ‘yes.’
According to Psychologist Dr. Brandy Engler, author of the book, The Men On My Couch: True Stories of Sex, Love, and Psychotherapy, guys’ bedroom behavior can be very revealing of where they’re at emotionally. According to Dr. Engler on Redbook’s website, “”Many women assume that men have biological needs that just have to be satisfied and that’s what makes up their entire motivation for sex,” says Dr. Engler. “Yet men are often taught it’s more accepted to express themselves sexually rather than emotionally, and so they project all kinds of things about themselves in the bedroom without even knowing it.” For example, if your guy is feeling powerless in your relationship — maybe after losing his job and no longer being the breadwinner — he might start to act more aggressive between the sheets. If you notice a change in how forceful he is, initiate a conversation outside the bedroom to better understand whether he is feeling helpless in any aspect of his life or your relationship. “Sexually men act out, and women tend to ‘act in’ by losing libido,” says Dr. Engler. Nix that by talking things out.”
So, be clear about exactly what you want –and what you don’t want. What is as important is consistency. If he calls you those names 10 times, you need to be clear that you don’t like it 10 times, and explain that it turns you OFF, not ON. But consistency is the key. If you say no 9 times, but don’t on the 10th, your guy will think he just has to work harder to please you. (If they find out I’m telling you the secrets of the Men’s Club they will throw me out .)
Obviously, if he doesn’t get the message sooner rather than later I would sit down (when you both have your clothes on) and let him know the “benefits” part of your relationship is in jeopardy of cutbacks or elimination.
This article has been updated from the original version, which was originally published here on November 25, 2010.