I am going to go way out a limb here. I will give you two immediate actions I think make sense. But if these don’t change your mind enough I am going to suggest something unusual: Have the wedding, have the party, but DO NOT make the ceremony official. I’m a romantic at heart, and believe in the power of love, but I am also a realist. You don’t sound like bridezilla as much as he sounds like King Kong.
Get in front of a couples counselor for a one-shot extended session. Some of this may be pre-wedding jitters, some of it may be part of your core characteristics, meaning that both of you are showing more of who you are under this stress. A couples session to air this out and get professional feedback would be helpful. Here is a list of qualified therapists in your area who may be able to help.
Secondly, I would carve out some serious time, perhaps a full day, or at least several hours, for the two of you to be completely alone, with the purpose of discussing the viability of moving forward. Shut off your cell phones and give yourselves a chance to put the issue squarely in front of you. Keep out other distractions and focus on the question at hand.
Now back to my original thought. If the two of you can’t fully agree that this feels as right as can be — then have the celebration –- call it a commitment ceremony or whatever you like — and have the party. You can always do the official thing later on. But if in three months or six if it doesn’t go the way you had hoped you will be able to untangle yourselves with much less red tape and confusion.
Wishing you patience and peace,
This article has been updated from the original version, which was originally published here on November 12, 2010.