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Jealousy Issues

So before I met my fiancée, she actually dated a famous child actor, whom she had sex with the first time meeting him. But my real problem is she met a singer of a band that she idolizes at a bar one night after his show. They talk and then he follows her to the bathroom and they begin. Now I loved this guy’s music, now it makes me sick to hear it. I saw photos of her just swooning over him. She did whatever he wanted within an hour or so of meeting him, in a bathroom. I can’t stop comparing myself, I hate that she threw herself at him. And I feel I will never be the type of man she truly adores, not a talented and poetic, famous musician. She gladly gave herself to this man with such a short time. Like a groupie and even it being before knowing me it eats me up. Please give me some sort of exercise to cast out the demons I’m putting in my own head. I love her but feel she is settling.

Jealousy Issues

A.

You don’t say how long it has been since you’ve been going out. If it is a brief time, let’s say a few months, then letting the relationship grow and making sure the two of you belong together is worthwhile.

If you’ve been together for a while—perhaps more than a year or so, then you’ll want to acknowledge a few things as you deal with her past. First, is that she has chosen YOU. Child actor, famous musician, whatever—she has chosen to be with you above them. There is a reason for that and that needs to be honored. Your love was more powerful than their fame.

Secondly, her past behavior wasn’t something she wanted to continue otherwise she would have. Giving herself sexually so quickly may not have been something she felt okay about afterwards, may have been part of a time in her life when that was exciting for her to do, or may have had unwanted consequences, or fulfilled some desire. Whatever the reasons are she’s moved on and so should you.

Believing you aren’t the type of man she truly adores is on your side of the equation. Remembering she has chosen you above everyone to spend her life with is key. When your thoughts go to your unworthiness challenge them with this truth.

If you would like some help with this through therapy check on the “find help” link above for someone in your area.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

Jealousy Issues

Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: http://www.dare2behappy.com/. He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2018). Jealousy Issues. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 16, 2018, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2018/11/08/jealousy-issues-3/

 

Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 7 Nov 2018
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 7 Nov 2018
Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.