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Sexual Issue with My Spouse

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I am wondering if this is normal or something that I should be concerned about (To be clear, I’m not afraid for safety.), if it’s an issue that needs attention. My husband has ocd, ADHD, and a mild form of turrets. He doesn’t like wetness (no wet kisses, absolutely zero desire to have anything to do with a vagina). He’s a butt liking guy. He seems to be put off by sex itself as he wants to converse the entire time about my thong and sometimes even pretending to have one of us get shot or stabbed in the belly. Nothing can be mentioned about sex. It’s all about the thong, and scenarios of getting stabbed or shot. He can’t keep an erection without this. It’s so unfulfilling for me as I only have my imagination that he’s being normal, passionate and enjoying all of me in bed. For me to get anywhere myself, I need this imagination and certain maneuvers for stimulation. When he requires constant talking from me, I can’t even have that. (Though he gets upset if I don’t climax first. This gentleman way of letting the girl go first is sweet, but he doesn’t help in any way other than thrusting. I’ve tried to talk about it, it’s like asking a favor that he can’t stand doing, which kills it.) I don’t know why he is so put off by sex and my female parts. I know it’s not me. I know that I am fun, kinky, clean and full of passion. There has got to be something that is making him like this, either from a genetic reason or an experience in his life, or both. I need advice and someone to help me understand what it is that he has, a mental or sexual disorder? He’s also a high functioning alcoholic and mentally and psychologically controlling and abusive sometimes as well, if that information helps. I need to understand what I’m dealing with here as I don’t know what to do.

Sexual Issue with My Spouse

Answered by on -

A.

If the information that you have provided me is correct, then you are dealing with a very complex problem which is unlikely to offer an easy fix. From your description, he is an alcoholic, he is abusive and he is controlling. You say that you are not concerned with your safety, however when dealing with an alcoholic one should always be concerned for one’s safety. He also has Tourette’s, ADHD, and OCD. He is also sexually incompatible with you and your desires. If you were aroused to the type of sex that he desires the two of you would have a good sex life, but that would do nothing to diminish any of his diagnosable mental problems, his alcoholism or his tendency to be abusive and controlling.

You described him as being a functional alcoholic but he does not appear to be functioning well in life in general. Without extensive therapy it is very unlikely that he will improve in any aspect of his life. Many women would leave a man who was abusive. Many women would leave a man who was a long functioning alcoholic. Many women would leave a man who had fantasies of stabbing or being stabbed in the stomach.

Your happiness is as important as his happiness. I doubt sincerely, that you both can walk the same path to happiness. It is most likely that each of you will need to find separate paths to happiness.

It may be time for you to realize that he is not a common, normal, alcoholic guy with Tourette’s, ADHD, OCD, who is also abusive, controlling and repulsed by female genitalia. I wish you the very best of luck, in whatever decision you make.

Dr. Kristina Randle

Sexual Issue with My Spouse

Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist and Assistant Professor of Social Work and Forensics with extensive experience in the field of mental health. She works in private practice with adults, adolescents and families. Kristina has worked in a large array of settings including community mental health, college counseling and university research centers.

APA Reference
Randle, K. (2018). Sexual Issue with My Spouse. Psych Central. Retrieved on May 25, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2018/10/31/sexual-issue-with-my-spouse/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 29 Oct 2018
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 29 Oct 2018
Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.