From a teen in the U.S.: My mental disturbances have been getting progressively worse, and I am beginning to suspect schizophrenia. I only took notice of these disturbances when I began ruminating over things I had done in the past, and began convincing myself I was going to be arrested for these things. At first I thought it was OCD, because I was diagnosed at a very young age, but now I’ not sure that’s the overall issue.
Over the past 2 months I have convinced myself with 100% certainty that I’m responsible for the deaths of multiple people, but I just don’t remember it. Despicable acts will randomly pop into my head and I’ll become certain that I’ve been responsible for them in the past. It’s at the point where I believe that even though I am a minor, the federal government is going to execute me because I’ve done such horrible things. This has also led to my belief that God is going to punish me and has tried to kill me in the past because ultimately he knows what I’ve done.
As a result of all these thoughts, my brain constantly is telling me to kill myself in very graphic ways (I will often make gestures of stabbing myself in the stomach/neck). My therapist gives me tools to help with this anxiety, but they only help for a few short moments before my brain goes back at it. I’m having a hard time even recognizing that there is something wrong mentally that’s making me think this way, and I’m wondering if this could all be due to schizophrenia, or something related to that?
The person you should be talking to about this is your therapist. I’m very glad you wrote. I understand that it may be difficult for you to tell your therapist what you’ve said here. But your therapist knows you and can meet with you regularly to help. Do share your letter with her as a way to start an important conversation.
Your letter shows you to be a sensitive and articulate young woman who thinks deeply about things. People like you generally do very well in therapy. Open up to your therapist and the two of you will figure out how to ease your suffering.