From the U.S. My husband and I have been together for 35 years, married for 28 years. I met him when I was 15 and he was 17. He is my first and only love.
Lately he has been drinking a lot and smoking pot. He always seems to choose drinking over me. He leaves me when I am sick to go drinking and recently left me home alone after a medical procedure to go drink.
I finally had it and told him how much it hurt me and he said, “I guess I am not the man for you!” I said, “Well, you could change” and he said he was not changing!! I said, “then I guess you will have to leave”…and he did…just like that!!
How can he leave when all I want is a little security??? He now says he wants to move on and I do not know how to let go?
This is not our first separation. The last time he told me he could not stand my jealousy and I worked my ass off to combat jealousy and I won!! I read every book and joined every group I could to get over it to better our relationship because it means the world to me. I want my family together!! I am so damn lonely and sad but I know I am worth it and I need my needs met too!!
You are right. You do deserve to have your needs met too. But you are not going to get them met with this man. The “affair” in your marriage has been substance abuse for years. He can leave you because he is more committed to his addictions than he is to you.
Although you have worked hard to take care of your own issues, you can’t make a relationship by yourself. Staying with him means you would have to tolerate always coming in second to alcohol and pot. You deserve better.
Unrequited love is very, very painful. Being lonely and sad within what is supposed to be a loving marriage is a hard way to live. Unless your husband is willing to make changes, you are signing on for more of the same. For that reason, I do suggest you at least see a lawyer to find out what your rights are after so many years of marriage.
Do consider whether being single is worse than putting up with your husband’s treatment of you for the rest of your life. Chances are that being free of the constant stress and disappointment will open up new possibilities for you — including the possibility that you will find someone who will love you and cherish you and put you first.
Please consider finding a therapist who can provide you with some needed support and perhaps some guidance during this difficult time.
I wish you well. Dr. Marie
Why Does My Husband Choose Drinking Over Me?
Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
Dr. Marie is licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specializes in couples and family therapy and parent education. Follow her on Facebook or Twitter.
APA Reference Hartwell-Walker, D. (2018). Why Does My Husband Choose Drinking Over Me?. Psych Central.
Retrieved on May 27, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2018/10/14/why-does-my-husband-choose-drinking-over-me/
Last updated: 11 Oct 2018 Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 11 Oct 2018 Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.