To put it simply, because my mother is extremely insecure she controls both my dad’s and my life and prevents us from enjoying things which aren’t focused around her. She prevents my dad from having hobbies because she is insecure about their relationship and thinks that my dad would leave her. He used to play cricket, go bell-ringing, go running but now he doesn’t have any hobbies and doesn’t have much h time for anything other than work because my mother can’t deal with the pressure of work she hasn’t got a very good job and often will take time off. And now that her father is ill, she’s taken even more time off to look after him and puts pressure on my dad to bring more income in. My father is often tired and stressed and my mother gets anxious even more than she used to now that grandpa is very ill and will often take out her anger or stress on us and will make scenes and leave the house for a few days. This isn’t unusual, she would often leave the house when I was young and claim that she was going to divorce my dad on regular basis, tho she never did, when this happened she would act very childishly. She has periods where she’ll be super loving towards me and others when she’s very unkind and insensitive and takes out anger towards me which means I find it hard to trust her, even though I know she isn’t a bad person. At the moment I’m taking my GCSE’s and I also have a Saturday job which means I don’t have as much time to relax, and I’m not allowed to have social media or see my friends very often which frustrates me. I also have a best friend who nearly committed suicide and spending time with them can be damaging to my mental health although I love them to pieces. I have three main problems, my mum, my grandpa and my best friend and I find it hard to have enough time to be there for them and I feel so useless. I’m not sure how to get my mum help because she often denies that she has anxiety and will get very angry, luckily my best friend is getting help and I’m always making an effort to support them and they’re getting better.
Since you did not ask a question, I will provide a general answer. You can’t interfere in your parents’ relationship; it’s not your place. They will need to resolve these issues on their own.
You also can’t force anyone to get help even when it seems obvious that they need it. No one can. That is a difficult lesson to learn. People have to want to get help. If your mother doesn’t want help, she’s likely not going to get it. You could suggest it to her and encourage her to go but after that, realize that you’ve done all you can.
Your family members are ideal candidates for family therapy, but it’s not clear that they want help. If not, focus on what you can control; protecting your own mental health. That might mean limiting your interaction with your family. Other strategies to consider include moving out when you can and maintaining a strong supportive group of friends to insulate you from the chaos at home. Individual counseling would also be a wise choice.
If you have a more specific question, please write again and I will do my best to answer it. Thanks for writing.
Dr. Kristina Randle
Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist and Assistant Professor of Social Work and Forensics with extensive experience in the field of mental health. She works in private practice with adults, adolescents and families. Kristina has worked in a large array of settings including community mental health, college counseling and university research centers.
APA Reference Randle, K. (2018). Controlling Mother. Psych Central. Retrieved on December 15, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2018/10/12/controlling-mother/
Last updated: 9 Oct 2018 (Originally: 12 Oct 2018) Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 9 Oct 2018 Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.