I appreciate you writing us about this issue. It sounds as if it is time to negotiate a significant change with your boyfriend.
Golden showers (the popular term for urolagnia) is a paraphilia associate sexual excitement involving urine and urination. But what seems very clear from your description is that your needs are not being met, it actually turns you off, and it is replacing intimate relations. Fetishes that are mutually agreed upon by a couple can enhance their sexual relationship. But what I understand from your letter his happiness comes at the expense of yours. It also sounds like he is using the fetish as a way to manipulate you. If it isn’t going to be his way, then nothing is going to happen. The bottom line? Don’t let the fetish dominate your sexual life and relationship. The fact that it doesn’t appeal to you, you find it gross, and you are being denied your needs, means that it is not something you want to keep doing simply to keep your him happy.
According to Big Think’s website, “Sexual fetishes are far more common than we think. A recent study published in the Journal of Sex Research, finds that one in three people in the US have taken part in one, at least once in their lives.” While they are not uncommon, both partners should be willing to partake in these activities. Let him know intimacy and sex are a reciprocal process and your needs are no less important than his. Otherwise the relationship will continue to be unbalanced.
Wishing you patience and peace,
This article has been updated from the original version, which was originally published here on October 7, 2010.