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How Can I Trust Him Again?

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From Canada: My husband lied to me years ago and I just found out I have been married for about 4 years but together for 14. As I was browsing on our desktop computer looking for some old photos over the weekend I discovered photos from a work trip my husband went on about 8 years ago. These photos contained him and another women (selfies, dinner together and shopping). I was and am completely furious. I recall right after that trip as I saw some other photos of him with the exotic car he had rented and asked who took the pictures. He told me at that time he got people off the street to take the photos and I naively believed him.

The photos I saw this weekend have completely devastated me. He swears it was just an acquaintance and nothing sexual happened. We have had a solid relationship for the past 14 years and I am at a lost. How can I ever trust him again?

How Can I Trust Him Again?

Answered by on -

A.

Please slow down. You’ve had 14 years together. For you to be so devastated suggests to me that there may be other red flags you’ve been ignoring. Another possibility is that you are way over-reacting. Having some fun while on a work trip isn’t necessarily cheating. It may be that it’s just as he says. On the other hand, maybe he was having doubts about your relationship at the time and was trying out what it would be like with someone else. If so, he got his answer. He stayed with you and married you.

The question for you, then, is whether the last 8 years including 4 in a committed marriage outweighs a possibly dishonest weekend. A situation like this can deepen or break an otherwise good relationship.

It depends entirely on what the two of you do next. If you can talk about it openly, honestly and calmly, you may learn important things about each other and your relationship. If your discussion degenerates into accusations, defensiveness and counter accusations, it can result in a very deep wedge developing between you. I hope the two of you can take a big step back from the emotional first responses and instead talk seriously with each other about what your 14 years mean to you and what to do now.

He can’t undo the weekend. But he can apologize. And both of you can reaffirm the value of a shared life of 14 years. If there are problems in the relationship the two of you have been ignoring, this is the opportunity to work on them. If you find that you are unable to do that on your own, I hope you will make an appointment with a couples counselor for some guidance.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

How Can I Trust Him Again?

Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Dr. Marie is licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specializes in couples and family therapy and parent education. Follow her on Facebook or Twitter.

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2018). How Can I Trust Him Again?. Psych Central. Retrieved on January 22, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2018/09/30/how-can-i-trust-him-again/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 28 Sep 2018
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 28 Sep 2018
Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.