You are 23. Five years ago, you were still in your teens. You didn’t share what derailed you so much at that time. It does sound to me like you were traumatized by whatever happened. I am so, so sorry that you have been suffering so much in the wake of it.
I can’t tell you what is wrong with you. I can tell you what you already know. Something is wrong.
And I can tell you how to fix it. Stop trying to figure it out on your own. If you could, you would have done it sometime in the last 5 years. It is long past time to see a professional mental health counselor who can hear your whole story and help you deal with it so you can be the man you want to be. You need and deserve the help.
You made an important first step by reaching out to us here at PsychCentral. Now, please, take the next step and make an appointment with a therapist.
You are only 23. With good help and support, you can get through this and live a long, productive and happy life.
I wish you well,