From a young woman in Egypt: The first person I ever loved was my boyfriend of a few months. It was toxic and abusive. He was suicidal and so was I at the time, he would self harm with me on the phone with him and hang up sometimes saying “goodbye, good bye”; as in “I’m leaving”. I would stay up all night.
I find myself thinking about the only time I connected with someone (him) cause I can’t seem to find anyone. And I don’t trust relationships at all. At a moment of commitment (my heart beats fast and I have trouble breathing) Most of my friends are guys and I love their company. But even with all those people, I can’t seem to meet the person I want to meet.I Can’t Seem to Meet the People I Want to Meet
I Can’t Seem to Meet the People I Want to Meet
Thank you so much for writing. I’m sure it was painful to think about your problems with the first boyfriend. Although your time with him was not healthy, it was very, very intense. The two of you were in a mutually destructive cycle of self abuse and mutual neediness and reassurance and more self abuse. I’ve found that the intensity of this kind of situation is both terrifying and addictive. It makes sense to me that you are afraid of getting back into such a cycle again.
Before you can trust other people, I think you have some healing to do so you can trust yourself not to get caught up in such a destructive relationship again. If you could do that on your own, you would have done it already. For that reason, I do strongly urge you to see a counselor to help you recover from a traumatizing relationship and to help you start trusting yourself again.
If therapy isn’t available in your city, a place to start is one of the forums here at PsychCentral. People from all over the world give each other advice and important support.
I wish you well.