There’s a great quote by Maya Angelou that is applicable to your situation: “when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” Your fiancé is abusive, addicted to alcohol and doesn’t seem amenable to change. He told you that alcohol “was 100% more important” than you. That is an example of him telling you who is he. Believe him.
This is the man you chose. If this is not the life you want, make a different choice. Otherwise, this will be your life — unless his physical abuse kills you. It’s not too late. You can make different choices.
I understand that you might be staying because of your son and his HVAC apprenticeship but make no mistake, your son is being damaged by witnessing your fiancé abusing you. He may be inadvertently learning that abusing people is okay and that drinking alcohol is a good coping mechanism. By continuing a relationship with your fiancé, you are in effect endorsing his behavior. Your son may think “this is how men treat women” and begin abusing you or other people in his life. Your fiancé is not a good role model for your son.
Leaving him will temporarily make your life harder. You will have to give up your house and other things but then you will have the opportunity to rebuild your life the way you want it to be. He uses his money to buy the right to torture you. No amount of money should be enough to allow someone to abuse you.
Abuse is never something you should tolerate, under any circumstance or for any reason. Abusive people are dangerous, especially when alcohol is involved. Your fiancé does things and says things that he doesn’t remember saying or doing. This is a very dangerous situation for both you and your son.
Many communities have domestic violence shelters where you can stay until you decide what to do. The treatment staff will help you to find housing and other resources to assist in your transition, all free of charge.
Counseling is also highly recommended. It will provide you with support while you work to remedy this problem. Therapists can’t make decisions for you but they can advise you about making the best decision. They, in essence, help you to help yourself. Stay safe and I wish you the best of luck. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle