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Living with My Alcoholic Fiancé & Acute Verbal and Emotional Abuse

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Call work first thing Monday. Patient cam in with broken OD temple. FLEXON FRAME. can’t remember his last name but I printed out a remake of frame and forgot them in the printer at the front. Frame is in the lab in my cubby. What should i do? my fiance of 6 years is an alcoholic. he is mentally and verbally abusive to me every night. he drinks beer all day at work and then its vodka/diet coke all night at home. He drinks a 60 of vodka every 2 1/2 days and 24 beers every 2 or 3 days. He tells me he doesn’t want me and doesn’t need me, says you can’t fix stupid says I’m retarted…. tells me to F off, then in In the AM remembers nothing. the house we live in is in my name. his name is not on any bills or anything, but he does help with the mortgage. i dont think i can afford to keep my hose if i kick him out, even if i get a roomate. my 18 year old son started working with him at his hvac company as an apprentice. my son doesn’t drive, so he goes to work and comes home with my fiance. the company is paying to put him through schoool, and the owner of the company is also my fiances best friend, so if i kick him out, im sure my son would lose his job along with the opportunity to have his schooling paid for. my fiance smashed my truck up 3 years ago, so ever since, we have only had his vehicle. my mom has been driving me to work everyday and my fiance picks me up after work. i have no idea what to do. i feel lost and trapped. he has no intention of even trying to stop drinking, he’s told me that many times. I love him, but I just can’t take this alcoholism anymore. Last night he told me that alcohol was 100% more important than me. I,m so lost i dont know what to do. any advice would be awesome. thanks!

Living with My Alcoholic Fiancé & Acute Verbal and Emotional Abuse

Answered by on -

A.

There’s a great quote by Maya Angelou that is applicable to your situation: “when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” Your fiancé is abusive, addicted to alcohol and doesn’t seem amenable to change. He told you that alcohol “was 100% more important” than you. That is an example of him telling you who is he. Believe him.

This is the man you chose. If this is not the life you want, make a different choice. Otherwise, this will be your life — unless his physical abuse kills you. It’s not too late. You can make different choices.

I understand that you might be staying because of your son and his HVAC apprenticeship but make no mistake, your son is being damaged by witnessing your fiancé abusing you. He may be inadvertently learning that abusing people is okay and that drinking alcohol is a good coping mechanism. By continuing a relationship with your fiancé, you are in effect endorsing his behavior. Your son may think “this is how men treat women” and begin abusing you or other people in his life. Your fiancé is not a good role model for your son.

Leaving him will temporarily make your life harder. You will have to give up your house and other things but then you will have the opportunity to rebuild your life the way you want it to be. He uses his money to buy the right to torture you. No amount of money should be enough to allow someone to abuse you.

Abuse is never something you should tolerate, under any circumstance or for any reason. Abusive people are dangerous, especially when alcohol is involved. Your fiancé does things and says things that he doesn’t remember saying or doing. This is a very dangerous situation for both you and your son.

Many communities have domestic violence shelters where you can stay until you decide what to do. The treatment staff will help you to find housing and other resources to assist in your transition, all free of charge.

Counseling is also highly recommended. It will provide you with support while you work to remedy this problem. Therapists can’t make decisions for you but they can advise you about making the best decision. They, in essence, help you to help yourself. Stay safe and I wish you the best of luck. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

Living with My Alcoholic Fiancé & Acute Verbal and Emotional Abuse

Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist and Assistant Professor of Social Work and Forensics with extensive experience in the field of mental health. She works in private practice with adults, adolescents and families. Kristina has worked in a large array of settings including community mental health, college counseling and university research centers.

APA Reference
Randle, K. (2018). Living with My Alcoholic Fiancé & Acute Verbal and Emotional Abuse. Psych Central. Retrieved on September 15, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2018/09/01/living-with-my-alcoholic-fiance-acute-verbal-and-emotional-abuse/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 29 Aug 2018
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 29 Aug 2018
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