From the U.K.: I’m engaged to be married to the love of my life. We really love each other so much and are due to marry very soon. I have issues with fear of abandonment which stem from my childhood. My father died and my mother didn’t really want me, she called me her burden. She frequently threatened to leave home and would go off for hours at a time. No wonder I struggle with fears of abandonment. Everyone I’ve ever cared for has gone one way or another.
2 yrs ago, my boyfriend cheated on me. We got over this, and he swears he’d never do it again. But I am sometimes suspicious if he’s texting late in the evening. We had a row recently because I saw a provocative picture on his instagram page (while he was flicking through) of a woman he used to know, who had sent him inappropriate messages about her sexual needs. I asked why he had followed her after her messages and Said I didn’t understand why he’d want to follow her after that….that’s all. He flew off the handle and packed all of his things, telling me we’re over. Saying I was jealous and that I don’t trust him.
He has stormed out before after a trivial row, saying he’s leaving. He knows what my mum used to do. Since then, he has refused to see me and says he wants to end our relationship/cancel the wedding. All only a month away. He says I’m making him ill.
Was I wrong to say what I said? Is he overreacting? How do I stop him splitting up from me? How do I get over my jealousy and stop it ruining our relationship? Please help.
I see nothing wrong with your question. His reaction only makes sense as a “last straw” – if you have a pattern of unreasonable jealousy and not trusting him. But maybe what he is characterizing as your “jealousy” is a reasonable response to his behavior.
I’m curious about why you want to stay with someone who controls what you can talk about by storming out and telling you that you are ruining the relationship. He knows your background and, from what you wrote, it looks like he uses that information to hurt you.
You two are in your 40s. You are not kids. Your patterns of relating are pretty well set. His pattern of blaming and leaving or threatening to leave isn’t likely to change. Look deep inside yourself before marrying this guy. I think you deserve better.
I wish you well. Dr. Marie
My Fiance Wants to Call Off our Imminent Wedding
Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
Dr. Marie is licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specializes in couples and family therapy and parent education. Follow her on Facebook or Twitter.
APA Reference Hartwell-Walker, D. (2018). My Fiance Wants to Call Off our Imminent Wedding. Psych Central.
Retrieved on July 22, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2018/08/04/my-fiance-wants-to-call-off-our-imminent-wedding/
Last updated: 3 Aug 2018 Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 3 Aug 2018 Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.