If you truly want help from your therapist, then you have to tell the truth. Think about it. You’ve been withholding important information from her. You never told her about your urge to kill. You have probably never told her about your visiting the deep web or your viewing of the disturbing YouTube channel. You also mentioned your temptation to commit suicide but didn’t necessarily indicate whether or not you’ve told your therapist.
It’s difficult to help someone when they’re withholding important facts about what’s wrong. If you don’t tell her the truth, then it will be difficult to help you.
I understand your fears but, in all likelihood, you would not be committed to a hospital. It is extremely difficult to be committed. An individual has to pose an imminent and actionable threat to themselves or to others in order to be committed. Thoughts and ideas are often too vague to justify inpatient hospitalization.
Until your honest with your therapist, these issues will likely continue but this is easily rectified by telling the truth. She will not be surprised. It’s not something she hasn’t heard before. Therapists are trained to know how to treat these types of issues.
You should also stop indulging your negative and harmful urges. Your visits to the dark web, and so forth, are likely making these urges worse but you can change that by doing it less or stopping altogether. These types of behaviors are a sign of someone in significant distress.
If your urge to kill becomes unbearable or uncontrollable, then contact emergency services. They will protect you from harming yourself or someone else. I hope that you will speak to your therapist and begin to heal from these very treatable conditions. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle