As of right now I’m wondering if her boyfriend is doing more harm than good. Me and my mom used to fight a lot worse. We all live under the same roof. Me, my son, her and her boyfriend. Her boyfriend has never liked me. He never says anything positive. Sure what he says may be true but I think it’s not helping. Me and my mom fight a lot but what I’m concerned about is her mood changes when her boyfriend is around. Like today we had a great day. Lots of laughing. We had our friend over and we were all in the spa and my son was splashing and things were great. I leave to take my son to baseball practice and when I return she is in complete hate mode towards me. And when I left we just had a fun day and things were good. I ask what’s wrong and she tells me “oh you don’t give me attitude one day and we’re fine?” I’m curious if it’s bad that whenever she’s with her boyfriend in her room all the talk between them is him talking negatively about me. I’m wondering if that would stress our situation and not make it any better because he’s there fueling her brain and reminding her what a f*** up her daughter is. Thanks for any response.
The solution is to make plans to move out as you begin to narrate the discomfort with these situations. Living with your mom and her boyfriend is something that you must see as temporary. Even if leaving is years down the road, you need to have a plan to move on and be working toward it. The boyfriend likely sees you as competition for attention and a distraction for his girlfriend. While you didn’t mention the financial arrangements he may have a resentment, if he is putting more money toward the living arrangements than you. This can often be an underlying cause.
Then start to narrate you experiences. Not blaming or criticizing, but rather informing. Let your mom know how uncomfortable it is to have fun, feel good, and then be given the cold shoulder by her. Let her know that it is hard for you to watch her be unable to hold on to good feelings in favor of dwelling on what’s wrong. Also let and the boyfriend know that it seems after you have good feelings with your mom they turn sour after the two of them talk. Tell him it makes things more difficult.
The point here is that the situation is not likely to change very much — but what can change are your reactions to it.
Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: http://www.dare2behappy.com/. He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.
APA Reference Tomasulo, D. (2018). Rough Patch Between Me and My Mom. Psych Central.
Retrieved on November 21, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2018/07/04/rough-patch-between-me-and-my-mom/
Last updated: 2 Jul 2018 (Originally: 4 Jul 2018) Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 2 Jul 2018 Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.