From a teen in Greece: Hello! I’m in a relationship for almost two years. My boyfriend is very nice, caring, calm, and always listens to what I have to say and helps me, even when I’m being unreasonable.He also has a close friend.
When we started dating as a couple, he would frequently tell me about his relationship with his friend wasn’t very good.They had almost stoped having contact. His friend was always hanging with other people, who were actually mean to him behind his back, he wasn’t talking to my boyfriend through his 9+ months military service and didn’t seem to care much.My boyfriend was disappointed and I helped him,a little,to get back with his friend.(Happened twice)
After a few months we almost stopped hanging out. We would plan dates and then he would say the last minute :” uh, my friend is coming too”. This kept going for almost a month, until I finally talked to him about this.(happened twice.)
Now we spend time together again. There were a few more “issues” about this, like this time when we went to a trip for our anniversary and he was talking about his friend all the time, and then texting him a lot. I told him in a modest way that it feels almost as his friend is with us too. I could see that he felt a bit annoyed for a second,but he didn’t get mad,he said he has a lot of memories of him in this place. It is completely understandable but… But my selfish self felt weird because it was OUR anniversary!
My boyfriend is very very nice now yet sometimes I still feel I come second. His friend has an idea for a summer trip for us 3 and two other friends. But I don’t feel it’s going to end up very well.When my boyfriend told me about this trip he also told me that he is not going if I’m not going. Well, I don’t want to ruin it but I don’t want to go because I’m afraid I’m going to feel disappointed and sad again.
I think I’m probably jealous of his relationship with his friend, perhaps because I don’t have a “close friend” or because I’m very insecure. I don’t know what to do to not ruin everything. Thank you!
A: Your letter raises many questions for me. Yes, it may be that you are jealous. But it also may be that your boyfriend is having difficulty balancing time with you and time with his buddy. His effort to accommodate both of you is leaving you feeling confused and insecure.
I think the most useful thing you can do is to see a counselor for a few sessions. A counselor can hear your whole story and maybe help you sort out whether or not your concerns are inflated or legitimate.
I wish you well.