You are talking about a 4 year old as if she is 20. She’s not. She is 4 and troubled and is doing the only thing she can do to let you know how much she is hurting. Tantrums and beligerence at her age are how kids communicate distress. She needs understanding. She needs structure and predictability. She needs a great deal of love.
Of course she is dependent on her dad. She knows he left her mother and deep inside she is afraid he will leave her, too. She needs to know that the adults in her life are trustworthy. Refusing to spank her or yell at her is a great start, but he — and you — need to know what to do instead about misbehavior.
Your problem is not with this little girl. Your problem is that you and your husband aren’t adequately prepared to be co-parents. In hindsight, it would have been helpful for you to see a parenting expert or a family therapist before you got married. But it is not too late to get your family on track.
Give up your “hatred” for this little girl and get busy. Hating her and calling her names (lazy, spoiled) won’t help. In fact, it will only make things worse. Learning some new skills will help.
Find a parent education group and/or a family therapist who can teach you and your husband how to work together as a parenting team. Your husband needs to learn how to step up to the task of being a dad. You need to learn skills for step-parenting. You both need to learn how to help the child heal and how to support each other while you do it.
While you wait for an appointment, get yourself some parenting books and do your “homework”. There are excellent books available that will help you understand your situation better and that will give you important information about how to make the three of you into a family.
I wish you well.