Hi there, can i get a general diagnosis of my symptoms?
I can’t regulate my emotions in my daily life. I’m a very sensitive person and even the slightest comment or insult bothers me. I cry easily, and get angry very easily as well to the point that I’d get aggressive verbally or breaking things. My inner voice is always so critical especially at night. My inner voices bring me down without meaning to and I can’t help it Sometimes I would get so anxious even when there’s no reason that I’d end up having an anxiety attack and break down crying. It’s very hard for me to move on easy that every little thing keeps coming back in my head that It’d get out of control.
I have no grasp of my emotions. Often times I’d feel so empty or numb and think that my future is bleak that I’d go nowhere in life I’ve no confidence in myself and easily get jealous It takes a toll on my relationship with people that I often cut people off my life because I think I’m better off alone I can’t stand myself at all.
My moods are from being anxious to depressed to happy to angry or generally numb all in one day. I’m afraid of what might happen in my life that i like to keep things in routine. Most of the day my mind can’t get out of putting myself down. Even hearing even one sad song affects my mood greatly.
I’m 25 years old and most often I act like a 10 year old child even when i speak or act.
I can’t face up to my problems even though I try. I tend to push them away because I can’t handle it. I’m getting anxious now as i type this.
I’m paranoid of people. I’m always thinking that they have an ulterior motive to being me down or hurt me down the line if i keep them in my life. I’ve been alone for half my life and my relationships always breakdown in one way or another. I’m an extremely jealous person as well. I get way too anxious in crowds that every time I’m out I always want to go home. In contradiction I’m afraid of being on my own and can handle only one person at a time.
At my very critical times I end up hurting myself. I punch my legs, I use a pen or pencil to stab my legs, hit my head against the wall multiple times. Any way I can hurt myself as a self-punishment if I think I did something bad or things don’t go well. I’d hate myself so much that I can’t think straight. At my worst I’d cut. Although I know nothing will be solved but it’s that self-punishment and the relief I get after that.
The only healthy times I relieve my bad moods is by singing. I love singing even sad songs to help me get through. I’ve done this often sometimes to avail or sometimes to no avail.
My mind is very disorganized to a point that I’d miss any appointments I may have or have bad days where I’d be too sad or anxious to go out Id always have to have my boyfriend with me because having someone with me helps make me feel better because someone is there with me. If Im on my own I’d get so anxious that my breathing and heartrate goes up and I can’t function I’d feel so overwhelmed to the point of being emotional and feel suffocation
I’d feel useless hopeless and though i try and try to keep these thoughts and emotions at bay they do prevail at making me feel bad.
Sometimes I think I’m not worthy of anything even food that I’d throw up after meals I have a distorted self image as well that Im unattractive and fat that I’m not good enough for anything or anyone. The last time I cut was last month after an argument with my boyfriend I was intoxicated
I honestly feel that my mentality is holding me back for a better life I could have had years ago up to now.
Going to job interviews and getting rejected or not hearing anything back at all makes me feel so shit about myself that Id see a bleak future.
Sometimes I dream of any saviors that can save me from myself and my mentality I don’t know what I’m living for or why I’m even living Even though I can see it in others that life is good I can’t see it for me and wonder why people even extend their hands to help me I’d feel like a lost cause but even so i still try.
Lately I’ve been starting to see white apparitions and feel energies of which are not there. Sometimes I could feel something beside me or see apparitions from the corner my eyes. I’m paranoid that it’s there to hurt me. Last night i saw the white apparition follow me upstairs.
I think I’m going crazy. Can anyone enlighten me on any mental illness i may have? (From Ireland)