Unfortunately, I cannot provide a diagnosis over the internet; no one can or should. An in-person evaluation is the only way to determine a diagnosis.
One noteworthy aspect of your letter is your negative self-talk. You referred to yourself as a “annoying, dumb, fat drama queen.” That is indicative of low self-esteem and self-worth, traits commonly associated with depression.
You also mentioned suicide, which is also suggestive of depression. It’s concerning that you would consider ending your life. Suicidal ideation is a sign of suffering. I would recommend counseling. When people regard suicide as an option, it is often because they don’t know how to handle strong emotions. If you had better problem-solving skills, it’s unlikely that you would consider suicide. Counseling can teach you more useful skills for dealing with strong emotions.
Finally, call for emergency help you if you can’t protect yourself. The phone number for the National Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1-800-273-8255. The crisis text line information is the following: text HOME to 741741 in the United States. They will know how to protect you. Good luck with your efforts.
Dr. Kristina Randle