From a teen in Italy: (All the things written started more or less 2 years ago but now they’re going worse and worse) I’m an almost 16 years old girl and I don’t know if what I feel is normal. I know that adolescence is a difficult period for most teenagers but I think that for me it’s a little bit too much. I’ve got a lot of problems that my friends don’t have or that at least don’t show.
First of all I’ve got a lot of relationships issues (especially romantic ones): I don’t trust anyone, I think that they will abandon or leave me when i’ll need them, I think that everybody hates me even if they tell the opposite. For example if my bestfriend doesn’t answer to a message I immediately assume that he’s going to leave me because I’m a mess and that he hates me. I know that it’s irrational but I can’t help it.
I love too much. I know that I’m only 16 but if what I feel isn’t love I don’t want to know what real love is. When I love I do it with every fiber of my body. If my boyfriend left me I would kill myself. Unfurtunately I’m not kidding. I just can’t even imagine what I would feel if someone that I love left me. When I love you, you’re my world, my life. After a break up I couldn’t even sleep or eat. That’s what happens everytime I fall in love with someone: at the beginning I love him. I want to spend every single minute with him. When I’m without him I feel so empty or sad, I feel like my life doesn’t have a reason. I’m very possessive and really jealous. He must love me unconditionally like I do, he must be everytime with me, the largest part of the time there isn’t space for friends or other people. I’m suffocating but I can’t control myself.
After few months I convince myself that he wants to leave me because he’s fed up with staying with me or that he has never loved me at all or things like that. And I don’t know why but I start hating him. I really hate him. I want him to die. I’m always mad to see or be with him. I’m constantly angry with him. He disgusts me. And I want to break up. But I expect him to love me and not to leave me even if I reject him. Sometimes I love and hate someone at the same time.I think that I’m crazy…
Another problem is the fact that I don’t know who I am and what I want. I know that’s a normal thing for teens but I have already changed school 3 times, I don’t know if I’m bisexual or straight, I don’t know if I love only black or all the colours except black, If I love myself and I’m the best or if I’m the worst person in the world, If I’m introverted and shy or extroverted and always happy, etc etc. I have mood swings everyday, and I never understand the reasons.
My emotions overwhelm me, I can’t control them in anyway. I can be happy, laugh and joke one hour and cry in the bathroom the next. The more I’m happy the more I will be sad after. Most of the time I’m depressed. I feel hopeless, tired, very sad. I don’t want to go out, to see my friends or to do things that I like. I just go out if there’s alcohol or drugs. I know that it isn’t good for me but when I’m blue and lonely or when I don’t feel anything at all (that’s even worse) forget about everything seems a good idea. I feel almost always empty, as if I had a big black hole in my chest or stomach,especially when I’m alone.
At least twice a month I have a “break down” which is a day when I’m too much sad and I think about suicide continously. In these days I cut myself (I have done it since I was 12), I cry all the time and I stay alone at home. I selfharm (cut/burn/scratch myself) also when I feel an emotion too deeply or when I’m totally numb. Another thing that I can’t control is my anger. I’m always angry. I haven’t patience at all, I lose my temper everyday on stupid things. When I get mad I’m out of control. I can go from screaming to throw and break things to hit everything and everyone around me to burn down things. I’ve fighted many times, even at school.
Lately I’ve been having nightmares almost everynight. Sometimes I wake up 4-5 times per night, especially when I’ve got something important the next day (either good or bad). Could it be anxious? I suffered from a mix of anorexia and bulimia (anorexia binge/purge) for about 6 months last year. When I was about 7 years old I went to a psychologist because I missed someone and I didn’t know who. When I was 10 I got lost on a mountain with my mum and dad (not really, there was fog and we took the wrong ski slope and we didn’t know how to go back, but I thought that they were leaving me alone in the snow).
Is there something wrong with me? Does every teen feel like me? Is it just adolescence? Should I see a psychologist?
Sorry for the lenght of this text but I had to write a lot