Do I have a form of depression or do I just have something else?
Growing up there was a lot of things that made me emotionally hard (not getting enough attention as a child and the love that I thought I needed, being jealous of my family members and then learning to block them out, I never really cried or complained because I learned early on that I needed to just be seen and not heard and it always seemed like my parents would not be able to help me, so I just stopped all the feelings, I also had weight problems and got teased at times because of it).
Recently I had a talk with a very spiritual person and I realize that I have a very negative way of looking at live and also have very wicked thoughts running through my head all day long (for example, everyday I would drive the car and while I am driving I can come up with at least three ways of dying in-between the time I started driving and finished, I also tend to think a lot about how life would be without certain people in it – the people that has made me emotionally hard growing up, so I would imagine how life would be when they die). My thoughts are very dark and now that I have come to realize how bad it is, it is very upsetting to be honest, I’m not trying but I do have two attempted suicides behind me (the first being when I was 16 and the last being about two years ago). There are only some people that know about the suicides and I never received any professional help afterwards because I tend to sweep all care and feelings under the rug. I would like to find out though if all my negative emotions is in any way connected to a form of depression. My eating and sleeping patterns are normal, I am said to be a kind and friendly person since I hide all the negativity from people, I do not have any outbursts of anger.
It is all just really the no-emotion thing and the deathly thoughts, and also my mother has been diagnosed with depression and now I would just like to find out whether my dark thoughts could mean that I myself have a form of depression as well.Might I Have a Form of Depression or Something Else?
Might I Have a Form of Depression or Something Else?
You attempted suicide twice and regularly think about ways to die. Those are typical signs of depression. Happy and contented people don’t think about dying, nor do they try to end their lives. They look forward to each day. They are excited about living.
Many people, like you, have difficult childhoods, but what’s past is not a determiner of the future. You are not destined to be an unhappy adult. With counseling you can learn a better way to live. Things can be better for you. You can be happy. You deserve to be happy. Sometimes, it takes work to get there but that is what counseling is for.
When you were a child, you had no control over how your parents treated you. You reacted the best way you knew how at the time. It might have worked then but the same methods are not working now. It’s time to update your problem-solving skills. Counseling is the ideal place to learn those new skills.
As you noted in your letter, you have yet to try counseling. Your habit has been to numb your feelings and that method no longer works. It’s time to try something new. Counseling could make all the difference in your life.
You can begin researching therapists by clicking on the “Find Help” tab at the top of this page. Choose about five therapists and call them. Describe the issues you would like help with and ask what types of treatment they would provide you. Choose the ones you like the best over the phone and meet them in person. Good luck with your efforts. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle