So, a lifelong issue (as I’ve come to the realisation of) is that my mood, thoughts and feelings change way too quickly, way too easily and for no strong reason. It’s a bit like I’m not tethered to reality, I sort of live in my mind constantly thinking about things, but it’s like I can’t easily conceptualise the future and say, my upcoming exams, or just grounded LIFE as we know it. I get tonnes of ideas/realisations on a daily basis but in seconds the mood i had to follow through disappears. I can’t really identify my moods because they’re all so weird, and if i try to figure it out, it changes. It’s like i can’t control my mind. There’s not one single thing I know about myself that’s permanent. I don’t even feel I love my parents, because it’s more just like my mind wasn’t made for that to happen – my mind was made instead to constantly evaluate and re-evaluate things, contemplate, make up ideas and future plans, and worries over the most nonsensical things (see below). On that note, I haven’t been through trauma at all, my parents are very loving, as are my friends and extended family. But my attitude towards them consistently changes (assuming I think about them, and the reasons to change attitude are usually random ones that suddenly just seem relevant in the moment). The same applies to everything – I have no fixed opinion or view on anything at all.
That’s another thing – when I say anything, I mean ANYTHING. I constantly get confused about whether this is reality or not, or whether I truly exist, or whether I’m suicidal, anything like that. There are some running themes to the thoughts that come through my head (fear that I’m a sociopath/psychopath/other mental disorders is a big thing right now, as is existentialism), but solving or logicking the thoughts out does not help whatsoever. It’s more just the “feeling” of being a sociopath or whatever else that I have (and only comes up after I read about sociopaths, like I almost absorb their traits as I read and delude myself into having them temporarily). My feelings dominate me, but they’re not “normal” and are usually self-centred. No “normal” method of controlling my mind works (not meditation). Even the way I view this problem constantly changes! I’ll be worrying/wondering whether you understood my issue right. Even I don’t understand, and I don’t think I have the capability to with this mind. I tend to ramble a lot too, because I keep thinking of more and more THINGS, with no relevance to life. My mind just churns on and on, and if whatever it creates matches up with what the outside world needs, then thank god, I’m safe for a bit. Now I’m 16, I can’t keep relying on luck.
Any idea on what this could be, and how to fix it? I think I was born like this, as I was like this in my earliest memories. If I can’t fix it, then I can’t bear another ~60 years like this.