When I read your letter, my first response was “of course she’s irritable.” You have a complicated and lengthy history of traumatic events. Without specific treatment, most people in your situation develop symptoms, often several symptoms, irritability being one of them. It is no surprise to me that you are tired and tired of it.
I’m sorry you haven’t found helpful helpers. Since you can’t afford private treatment, I do urge you to look into whether there is a community mental health center nearby. Often such centers have a sliding fee scale. You might also look into whether there is a women’s center or domestic violence center near you. Often, they too offer low or no fee services. Your physician may be able to provide you with some recommendations.
In addition, I encourage you to participate in one of the forums here at PsychCentral. Members provide support and advice to each other. I think you would find it a relief to chat with people who understand and who might have some practical ideas for managing your feelings.
You deserve and need good trauma treatment. You are only 52. You may well have several decades of life ahead of you. With proper treatment, they could be much happier than what you are experiencing now.
I wish you well.