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Will We Get Back on Track to Marriage?

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From the U.S.: I’m 58 and I’ve been dating a wonderful man who is 4 years younger than me. He is a widower and has a young daughter and 3 older adult children – all from the same wife. He was married for 25 years, is from Europe and is very wealthy. We have a very special magnetic connection. We are together most evenings and have spent an entire weekend together. So we have spent quite a lot of time together and he can’t seem to be away from me for very long.

I’ve told him I’m in love with him and he says he can’t say that yet. I don’t mind because he has shown me in so many other ways, he treats me so very special and is always taking care of me.

He told me recently that he used to be a player and has slept with over 300 women! He is quite wealthy and spent much of his marriage traveling for business. This is not a deal breaker for me.

His wife died suddenly. He made some major changes and is focused on his family. He says he is only interested in me and I believe him. We have plans to go to Europe together this summer.

Recently a good friend told me that she is getting engaged very soon. Last week after dinner and drinks – too many drinks (for both of us) I told him I would like to get married again at some point. He freaked out and was telling me that it’s too soon for us, he’s got too much at risk and he’s not sure he’ll ever get married again. I then became defensive and told him I wasn’t specifically talking about him, just in general that I would like at some point to be married again.

The night went terribly wrong and now there is a significant change in our relationship. Where we used text and talk everyday about everything, now it’s almost nothing. I suggested we get together to talk and he said he needs to focus on his kids who are visiting and we’ll talk next week. He previously talked about me meeting his kids but wants to wait until it’s at least 6 months – they don’t know about me. I have 3 adult children of my own so I understand.

Will we get back on track?

Will We Get Back on Track to Marriage?

Answered by on -

A.

I can only imagine how upsetting this is. You thought you’d found a soul mate and a few ill-placed words seem to have fractured a promising relationship.

Finding love again as an older adult is very, very complicated. It is especially complicated when there are children involved. Yes, even adult children. They often have loyalty to their other parent. They often have opinions about the new person in their parent’s life. In addition, your boyfriend has a young child to still parent.

If that were not enough, your boyfriend was not married when he was married. He has a history of not committing to anyone. In order to have been with 300 women, he had to charm that many to be with him — in spite of the fact that he was married. I suspect that his wealth, as well as his charm, was seductive. Talking about meeting his kids and vacation plans may be part of a well-practiced line.

By declaring your feelings and using the marriage word seriously, you moved from being yet another daliance to a complication. Given his history, it doesn’t surprise me that he has pulled way back.

I’m so very sorry that you are disappointed. But from where I sit, you are fortunate to have found out what he’s really about before you got in deeper. I suggest you drop him and make yourself available to someone who knows how to really love only one person. You deserve to be more than number 301.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Will We Get Back on Track to Marriage?

Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Dr. Marie is licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specializes in couples and family therapy and parent education. Follow her on Facebook or Twitter.

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2018). Will We Get Back on Track to Marriage?. Psych Central. Retrieved on September 18, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2018/05/10/will-we-get-back-on-track-to-marriage/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 10 May 2018
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 10 May 2018
Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.