A few months back I made a character to vent some homicidal ideations with. As time went on, he became more of an imaginary friend I would talk to all the time I was alone, and somewhat fall in love with. He is a serial killer, without a real reason to kill but he does anyway. Sometimes I imagine killing with him, him killing me, or me killing him. I made him so I could have a way to deal with suppressed feelings of committing murder, but lately the thoughts have become less restricted, more thought of. It’s no longer I could never kill; now it’s & I could, and I kind of want to; I want to be like him, even though another part of me screams not to. I know right from wrong, but I fear the longer these intense homicidal ideations fuel my mind, I may crumble become my nearly lifelong fear. I know he’s become a problem, but I don’t want to get rid of him. I’d feel like I killed him, as dumb as that sounds, especially when I said sometimes I imagine killing him. But he’s my friend. The one I can be completely honest with. What can I do to help myself, without losing him? I don’t know if I can change him, he feels like his own person at this point.
A. I don’t think you should try to solve this problem on your own. Something is fueling your homicidal ideations. It’s unusual to want to murder people. Among teenagers, these feelings fester often when something is wrong. The creation of your imaginary friend was an attempt to solve the problem but something has gone wrong. It would be best to consult a professional who can help you fix the problem.
Ask your parents to take you to a mental health professional. You do not have to tell them about your imaginary friend and your homicidal ideation. It may be simply enough to tell them that you’re suffering and want help. Say what you need to say in order to convince your parents to take you to treatment.
I received many letters from teenagers who describe having a desire to kill. This desire may be a variation of suicidal ideation. It may also be a shortsighted and inappropriate attempt to solve one’s life problems. Obviously, ending your life or someone else’s life is not a solution to any problem. It’s usually the end result of an individual who is struggling in life and doesn’t know what else to do. In counseling, you will learn important coping skills that will last a lifetime. I hope you will consider it. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle