From Santo Domingo: I’m currently dating a woman that i have known for about 3 years now, 2 from which she was in a relationship with another woman. We dated before she was with her previous partner but at the time it didn’t work out.
I decided to keep being friends but sometimes i am afraid that from my end i never really saw her as a friend but as the person I actually want to be with and couldn’t. over the course of her relationship I dated other people and had a couple of casual sexual encounters, ultimately none of the relationships worked.
Her relationship ended and after a while we started. It wasn’t with the intention of hiding it was more leaned towards the fact that i didn’t want to discuss her relationship and i thought that bringing the subject of my current relationships would have brought a subject that i wasn’t sure if i could handle. I regret not being honest about what was really going on i never lied about it either she knew the amount (10) but she didn’t know the time frame and circumstances of how they happened.
We started dating and were ok, but then she started wondering about specifics, she found some old texts in my phone they were from 5 months before we started in which she saw the way i described other relationships to a friend, i never meant to keep it a secret but at this point she was already upset just with the number and i didn’t think bringing up the details would help, she cant let it go but still tries to be with me.
Problem is she constantly gets upset just by remembering it (she explicitly says its not about the hiding its about the amount) ” you just used to be with anyone” is one of the most used phrases. I love her but i don’t like to be judged by things I did before I was with her and while she was in a relationship of her own. i want to know if there’s anything i can do to make it work. There are way more details to the story if any other information can shed some more light to the matter please let me know.
Once people are adults, part of dating is learning to accept that most people do have a romantic and sexual past. She has had other partners. You have had more. If she wants to be with you, she needs to find a way to focus on the present and to celebrate that you, after so much experience, choose to be with her. You can’t do that for her. All you can do is repeat that yes, you’ve been with others, but you want to be with her now and give her all the reasons why she is special. Then it is up to her.
One other thought: It may be that she worries that you give up on relationships too easily. Ten past relationships at your age is unusual. She may need reassurance that you are willing and able to work on a relationship if things get a little rough between you — not just walk away. I hope that’s the truth. Every relationship goes through some difficult times. If you are committed to this relationship in ways that you were not in prior ones, you need to find a way to tell her so that she can believe.
I wish you well. Dr. Marie
My Girlfriend Can’t Accept My Sexual Past
Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
Dr. Marie is licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specializes in couples and family therapy and parent education. Follow her on Facebook or Twitter.
APA Reference Hartwell-Walker, D. (2018). My Girlfriend Can’t Accept My Sexual Past. Psych Central.
Retrieved on July 17, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2018/04/25/my-girlfriend-cant-accept-my-sexual-past/
Last updated: 24 Apr 2018 Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 24 Apr 2018 Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.