From a teen in the U.S.: Hello. To begin, from an early age I moved schools and was placed in a different environment. I was in third grade and from that point on, I could not help but break down every other day. I was isolated from my peers and eventually began to do questionable things (such as “sacrificing worms”) but I attribute this to my childhood nature.
To fast forward to the 5th grade, I never was a part of a group nor had a close group of people I considered friends. In fifth grade, we were required by our teachers to give presentations in front of an entire combined three classes. I remember clearly walking up and failing to properly formulate sentences. The result was the entire combined classes laughing at me, I would like to state that this is not an over exaggeration because afterwards I had several girls who were devotedly against lying come to me and apologize saying “We tried to get everyone to stop laughing, I’m sorry”. Things slowly became worse as I had several falling out’s with friends that left me sobbing in the guidance counselor’s office.
I realize that it was during this time I began to develop a strong hatred towards all those around and wished for them all to be dead. I became engrossed with horror stories and in short, bad things. I remember wishing nothing but the worst towards everyone and constantly imaging scenes of hurting them. I have since worked extensively on that and have ceased to do so.
However, I began the habit of daydreaming and at some point created an imaginary character called “Issac.” In brief words, I made him everything I wanted and as such, I now feel more lost to the world around me than before. I no longer hate reality, but simply find it impossible to love. I daydream of people I could be with (who are far from perfect) and scenes of things I could do, 24/7. However, I cannot love anyone or value anyone else now. Despite all my efforts, I have relapses of hatred and at one point have slammed an extremely sharp pencil between a friend’s fingers without realizing- I barely missed her hand. I hate to word it in this way, but what can I do and should I seek help? Is there something wrong with me?