You do have a choice. You made a good choice not to keep this pain to yourself by writing us here. If you didn’t have a choice, then you wouldn’t have reached out.
The part of you that feels the distress from these fears is helping you find some relief. THAT part of you knows you have a choice and is trying to find some help. You say you fear you will be despised if you reach out to talk to someone. But you’ve reached out here to us at PsychCentral, and what I have for you is tremendous admiration for your courage.
It is time to take the next step and talk to someone. You can talk to a counselor at school and he or she can help find you a therapist who can help sort this out with you.
Wishing you patience and peace,
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral