I believe that being alone would hurt rather than help your situation. When you’re alone, you say that you tend to think more. The more you think about your life and situation, it seems as though you become more depressed. On one hand, being alone allows you to feel less pressure from your fiancée but on the other hand, it leads to a deeper level of depression.
Social isolation is a risk factor for suicide. That is a concern primarily because you mentioned suicide. You wrote that you will not commit suicide but it has crossed your mind. The only thing keeping you from committing suicide is your concern regarding its negative impact on your family. If left alone, cut off from the world and others, the risk is that you may change your mind and attempt to end your life and no one will be there to stop you. I don’t think you should take this chance.
What may be most helpful for you at this juncture is to seek professional help. As you mentioned, you recognize this is a problem that you are struggling to solve. You’ve dealt with depression for at least a decade. It is robbing you of living a full and happy life. It is negatively affecting your relationships and most likely other areas of your life as well.
Before you decide to make a major change in your life, consider meeting with a therapist. Depression clouds judgment. Impaired judgment may lead to mistakes. For instance, you might regret ending your relationship with your fiancée. You don’t want to make that mistake or any other. A therapist is an objective observer. He or she can help analyze whether your judgment is correct or being driven by your depression. He or she can then advise you accordingly.
In the midst of depression, individuals may find it difficult to believe their situation can improve. It can and it has for many, many people. It is important that you know that depression is curable. It is not a condition that can be cured overnight but with time, patience, support, effort on your part, a will to live and oftentimes a good therapist, you can overcome your long-standing depression.
Unfortunately, I do not have a link for mental health services in your country of residence but if you speak with your doctor he or she may be able to provide you with a referral to a qualified therapist.
I hope you will strongly consider seeking professional help. You have struggled with depression for many years and it’s time to get help. I wish you well. Thank you for writing.
This article has been updated from the original version, which was originally published here on April 19, 2010.