I’ve been seeing my therapist for about 6 months. Working through a lot of trauma a lot of it related to sexual abuse as a child/teen/adult. I’ve never really been big on sex(I’d go as far as saying I don’t much like it.) and just recently left an abusive relationship. I’ve always had love for my therapist since I meet her. We clicked immediately and I’ve always found her to be an attractive woman but you know laws are laws. And overtime my feelings have grown. Anyways for awhile I’ve fantasize about a sexual encounter with her but in my fantasy she’s always resisted me. I would push up on her and hold her against the wall kiss her etc but stop short of touching her down below because she’d resist me. Recently the fantasy has changed and instead of resisting she flipped me and it became this whole hot and heavy wet sexual scene and I couldn’t escape the need to touch myself. To which I had the most amazing O. I’ve come to the conclusion that I love my therapist deeply and I like the idea of having these fantasies of her knowing I can’t act on them in real life. In a weird way I feel like I’m in a healthy relationship with her though I know that’s not really the case. I feel awkward about living this false relationships in my head but at the same time I love/loved touching myself to the thought of her touching me/us touching each other. And now I don’t want to stop having the fantasy’s. When I did this today I imagined she was somewhere at work in a meeting secretly aroused with unclear meaning. Almost as if I was connected with her on a spiritual level. Anyways I know this probably sounds crazy and I talk to her about everything. Except this. Is this weird, that for now I want to keep this the way it is? And kinda of secretly and slightly irrationally I’m dating her in my head. & I sounds crazy… I feel crazy for wanting to live this out in my head but I equally feel like it’s a better rebound then another fucked up relationship. While I’m grieving the end of a 12year relationship. I’m not sure what to do with these feelings. I know I love my therapist in a very complexed way. I don’t want to let go of the fantasies. I like them a lot. Is this crazy?Fantasizing about My Therapist & I Like It a Lot
Fantasizing about My Therapist & I Like It a Lot
It is fairly common for a patient or client to fall in love with their therapist. It is well discussed in the literature. There is both transference and counter-transference. As you are probably well aware, it is unethical for patient and therapist to engage in a sexual relationship. This is based on the fact that the therapist comes to possess the most power in the relationship and even if the patient or client is willing and desirous, in essence, only the therapist has the power to stop this inappropriate activity.
If a non-professional relationship develops between the therapist and the patient it produces, in effect, the end of the therapist’s ability to help the patient. Having said all that, occasionally a patient and client will end their professional relationship and pursue a personal relationship. The therapist will help the patient to find a new therapist, who will provide the ongoing therapy.
So far nothing has happened between you and your therapist, except therapy. In fact, your therapist is unaware of your sexual feelings toward her. You have admitted your fantasies in writing and thus others may read what you have written and will come to know the otherwise hidden, non-observable fantasies of another. However, though they will know your fantasies you will not know theirs. If you did know theirs, you would likely be very surprised. Sexual fantasies are generally kept to oneself and since there is such a high level of secrecy protecting sexual fantasies, their nature and content remains largely unknown to others. I think it is very safe to say, that if the contents of the sexual fantasies were known, most people would be very shocked. It is for that very reason, the shocking nature, that most sexual fantasies are kept a secret, not to be shared with others.
If your fantasies do not harm you, in any way, nor do they harm others, in any way, then I think that most would agree, you are entitled to your sexual fantasies and should not be disturbed by their content. They serve the purpose of sexual arousal and provide no basis for actual behavior.
If your thoughts harm no one, including yourself, the question becomes “are you entitled to your own thoughts?” The next question becomes “if you are not entitled to your own thoughts, who becomes the thought police?” Who has the right to censor and determine the correctness of your inner thoughts? I know that I am taking a very complex topic and presenting it in a more simplistic way but that is what is necessary when writing an answer to a question and not a multi-volume text.
You have two choices. You can tell your therapist about your sexual fantasies or not tell your therapist about your sexual fantasies. I can’t tell you what to do, after all, I know so little about you. I can only talk very generally. Generally speaking, you seem to be making good progress in your therapy and that progress is occurring in the presence of your sexual fantasies. If that progress slows or disappears, then I would think that the sexual fantasies, should be addressed. If the progress continues, I would question the need to reveal your most secret and private fantasies with your therapist, since they seem to be irrelevant to the progress and effectiveness of the therapy. Good luck in your decision.
Dr. Kristina Randle