For a long time, I’ve had thoughts about murder, I used to hate it but I’ve grown to enjoy it to the point where thinking about killing and playing with a person’s blood and insides sparks sexual desires. Recently I’ve been having images of blood soaking the streets, a big pile of (adult) bodies all mangled and shredded in the center and imagining rolling around and having sex on top of it all, fire and screams in the distance, I guess what you would imagine Hell to be like. (I’m not religious). I’ve also been thinking very strongly about committing a murder, especially when someone gets me very angry (I have a colleague who really likes to wind me up, almost intentionally nudging me towards doing something). Because of this I’ve distanced myself from many people. At work I can’t be around people, and part of my job is to be around people, but they’ve allowed me to keep to the sides and do my work alone.
I would never do something, outside of these thoughts, I think I’m a very kind person, I could never actually do something like that and people have even said that I’m way too nice to everyone. I just have very dark thoughts and urges to do something.
I’m interested to know what this all could mean, do I need to seek help or something?
Bit of background;
I suffer with depression and I experience a lot of suicidal thoughts, I prefer to take anger out on myself by means of self-harm (hitting my head, punching a wall, but rarely ever cutting). As far as I’m aware my upbringing was pretty normal. My mum raised me on her own, she worked a lot so I spent a lot of time on my own, we lived with my grandparents, my father left and never bothered (I’ve always been angry at him for this), grandma was tough and we argued a lot and granddad was always at work or drinking.Sexual Thoughts of Murder
Obviously, it is not normal or desirable to be depressed just as it is not normal or desirable to have a fever. In both cases, something is wrong. At the very top of a list of things that should be done, would be finding a cure for your depression. Too many people believe that depression is just a normal part of life. Fever and depression are things that occur in life but they are a divergence from normalcy. In both cases, a treatment of some kind is necessary to eliminate the cause and produce a return to normalcy.
If a fever is low and the depression is low, perhaps the body and the mind will overcome the cause and produce a return to normalcy. A high fever and a high level of depression, are unlikely to cure themselves and are likely to require treatment; treatment by a highly educated, trained professional. A physician and a therapist, are both highly educated specialists in their own fields. I would expect both of them to be able to produce a cure.
Having a high fever is not normal and there are complications to the physical body from having a high fever. Having a high level of depression is also not normal and just like the high fever, the depression will cause complications. Curing the fever and the depression, will not only eliminate them but will also eliminate the complications caused by them.
Your anger, cutting, and unhealthy fantasies are likely resultant complications of your depression. Certainly, I don’t know if that last statement is true because it is impossible to diagnose someone from a short letter posted on the Internet. Even though, I don’t know for sure, your treating therapist most certainly will know. One thing that I do know for sure, is that every symptom that you have described is treated, every day, with great success in therapy.
I hope you will consider my suggestion and I wish you the best of luck.
Dr. Kristina Randle